RedCarrotJalabee

Obliged

2011-10-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

(A short story I wrote last year for the Commonwealth Short Story Competition. I did not win anything.)

I hated having to take the bus on cloudy days. I'd have to share the already precious space with all those who would have, on a regular day, taken their two-wheelers to work. Just a hint of rain and they would cram in with the rest of us regulars.

You could always see how crowded a Chennai Metropolitan Transport bus well before it arrived at the stop, from the characteristic tilt in the direction of its doors, thanks to the weight of the humanity packed inside and that hanging onto the window rails from outside. Today, the tilt looked more precarious than was usual. I was going to be late. As the bus stopped, half the people packed into the amalgam of heads, elbows, shoulders, arm-pits and sweat got off to make way for a third who needed to get off at this stop, still stuck inside, treading on anonymous toes, fighting their way to the doors. This was followed by the customary swell of people who elbowed their way back in. Youngsters were generally expected to travel on the footboard or hang from the window rails. I suppose most of them liked the thrill, the danger of falling underneath the wheels and the exhilaration of the oncoming rush of air. It certainly beat all the sweating on the inside.

One of them recognized me. A fellow regular. He moved over a bit to reserve some space on the hand rail for me to hang from. Camaraderie. I declined, with a thankful nod. I was too well rounded to be hanging off of anything for an hour. I let that bus pass; and the next. I was going to be late, what was half an hour more? Two more buses later, I got onto one that was relatively uncrowded. Small wonder that - it was well past nine. A couple of stops later I even got a seat. As its previous occupant got up, I dropped my bag onto the seat before anyone else got to it. It was like a flag. I claim this seat in the name of...

As if on cue, one of those senior looking types hobbled onboard. He shuffled along the aisle, to stand right next to where I sat.

I bit my lips in frustration and started assessing what the social norms mandated under the circumstances. There was a couple in the row behind me. The woman was at the window and her husband on the aisle seat. He did not have to give up the seat beside his wife to another man, even if he be old, I reckoned. The person sitting next to me, at the window, seemed middle aged; he looked at me expectantly. I looked away. The two seats in the row in front of me were occupied by relatively young professional looking fellows; probably late for work like me.

I could feel several eyes on me now. My neighbour coughed, pointedly. I stayed put. I could see both fellows in the row before me getting restless too. They were as obliged as I was to get up.

Several expectant moments passed.

The chap in the seat right in front of me finally relented. He gestured the old man onto his seat. He then took the spot vacated by the old man, standing beside me. I did not need to look at him; I could smell his smugness. I could feel his eyes looking condescendingly down at me. I decided to meet his 'holier-than-thou' look with my steely gaze. I turned to face him.

He got off at that stop.

Comforting the Dead

2011-09-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had occasion to listen to the monologue of a relative, typically a senior, about how we Indians are inheritors of such a glorious culture and how the West, supposedly in an advanced state of moral decadence, must look to us for guidance in spiritual matters. Well, I often seethe with rage when I hear such vacuous statements, especially in light of an experience that I'll remember with disgust for the rest of my life. This is something I have only shared with the closest of my friends, simply because the recollection of it fills me with revulsion. However, after a recent discussion with friends, I realised that a lot of Indians have had to undergo ordeals similar to mine for no good reason. Probably, if we talk about it, and condemn it for what it is, things might start to get a bit better.

I was born into a Hindu Keralite family. Both my mom and I were born and brought up in Chennai so we are really more Tamilian than Keralite as concerns most things (our Tamil is better than our Malayalam, for example), and we celebrate Pongal as well as Onam at home. It was only when my grandfather died, I came to understand that in matters of death, your ancestral roots are sacrosanct and there is simply no other way the last rites could be performed than how your ancestral tradition dictates they be.

I remember the day I got news of my grandfather's passing away vividly. I had to rush back home from college. I was so distraught that my room mate, Rijesh, afraid of letting me out of his sight, took the pains to accompany all the way to the railway station (situated at quite a distance from my college in Calicut) and made sure that his father was waiting to receive me at Chennai, expecting quite correctly that people at my own place would be caught up in the frenetic activity that typically follows a demise in the family. It is a gesture I will never forget.

What happened between the time I got home up until the next day when we cremated the body is all a bit hazy in my memory. There were elaborate rituals. Prior to the cremation, there was a lot of walking around the body and the strange act of putting rice and water into the mouth of the corpse. I am not sure if people in my community acknowledge how disturbing this really is. However, that pales in strangeness and morbidity compared to what was to follow.

After the aforementioned preliminary rituals, the body was subject to the fires of the electric crematorium. There was an ensuing wait for around an hour. After this, all the menfolk of the family, or to be precise, the male descendants of the deceased, which in this case happened to be my uncles, my cousins, my brother and me, were required to sit down, one after the other, in turn, next to the remains, and sort out the bone fragments.

Yes, you read that right, sort out the bone fragments! The priest conducting the service told us that my virtuous grandfather's soul would reach salvation only if his remains were assembled in an earthen pot, in the right order: bones from the lower body at the bottom of the pot, bones from the torso in the middle and the bones from the skull, right at the top. I hate to have to recollect the incident but I vaguely remember mulling over a piece of bone, trying to figure out which pile it ought to be sorted into. My brother was fourteen when he underwent this ordeal. The youngest of my cousins was no more than seven. Yes, I wanted to weep bitterly. I also wanted to throw up. But most vividly, I remember the anger I felt at the insensitivity of this barbaric culture I had inherited, that subjected grieving human beings, still reeling from the shock of having lost a loved one, to such a morbid ritual. What I hate most about it, was that the memory of that incident would taint the loving memories I have of my grandfather, for the rest of my life.

Compare this now, with the "decadent" practices of the West, where typically, when a person dies, there is a service conducted, where all the loved ones assemble to make small speeches recollecting the happy memories they shared with the deceased; where they play the music that the deceased used to enjoy and read poems he was fond of; where they even share a joke or two, lightening the pall of gloom and grief hanging over the mourners, even if it be only for a moment. Even if you be one of those "proud" Indians disdainful of "aping the West" in lifestyle changes, I wonder, if you'd agree that there probably are some instances for which, even we, as proud of our culture as we are, ought to take a leaf out of others' books to conduct ourselves with.

I submit to you that any of you reading this, simply by virtue of the time that you live in, know more about the natural world than your ancestors ever did. Probably, if we stop aping in blind faith, what our ancestors did, and open ourselves to making our lives better in our rituals as we strive to do in our embrace of other modern innovations and creature comforts, we'd probably realise, that rituals surrounding death, ought to comfort the living rather than the dead.

Undermining Parliamentary Democracy

2011-08-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

If you live in India, you could not have missed all the din about the Jan Lok Pal and Anna Hazaare's fast. Now, while there is overwhelming public support for Anna Hazaare and his team - the so called 'Civil Society', you will not find it hard to locate voices of dissent among the intelligentia who decry Anna Hazaare's tactics as blackmail and undermining of Parliamentary democracy. We cannot undermine the power vested in our elected representatives (despite the fact that we are governed by a Prime Minister who is not, and a Cabinet, most of which are not, elected by the people.)

At the very least, they implore, refer the draft to the Parliamentary Standing Committee on Lok Pal, a select committee of supposedly upright Parliamentarians chosen to discuss and deliberate the bill at length and provide recommendations to the Parliament.

Well, I don't know of any statements emanating from any of the Civil society members that actively undermines the sanctity of Parliament. However, I am about to do just what the title of this post suggests.

Let us look at the sanctity of the 15th Lok Sabha - the hallowed house of our elected representatives and then, the list of members in the Parliamentary standing committee on LokPal.

1) A third of them are have criminal records!

Yes, you read that right. As per a report released by the NGO 'Association for Democratic Reforms' (ADR), 128 MPs, a whopping 28.14% of our Parliamentarians have been charge-sheeted in criminal cases. 55 among them have been booked in cases of a serious nature, i.e. charges that include attempt to rape as well as attempt to murder. It gets more interesting. 41 of those tainted MPs are from the INC that controls the ruling UPA coalition. Is the opposition any better? Nope, 42 BJP MPs are among the illustrious 128 listed above.

2) They hardly work!

As per the 'Citizen's Report on Governance and Development (2010)' released by the organization 'National Social Watch', the number of sittings in the Lok Sabha was a mere 64 days and that with the Rajya Sabha, 63 days. The number of bills passes witnessed a decline from 47 in 2008 to 41 in 2009, with both the houses of parliament having spent less than one-fifth, of the total time, on legislative business. This is considering that official working hours on the days that they do work are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., and again from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Comfy, no?

3) Oh! How wonderfully representative they are, of us!

You would think, if you believe what you are taught in Civics classes, that the average Indian politician is a true representative of the 834 million impoverished Indians getting by on less than Rs. 20 a day - a true son of the soil and toil. Well, think again. 300 of the 552 members of the Lok Sabha are crorepatis. A significant number among those are dollar millionaires! Now, there would be nothing wrong with that one may say. After all, it augurs well to elect the most successful among us to power. Point taken. However, things really start looking awry when you look at the affidavits filed by the candidates prior to the elections. You can examine them at the excellent site myneta.info. Take for instance the case of the illustrious Lalu Prasad Yadav, who, despite having only been a career politician all his life, has declared assets to the tune of over 3 crores. Or take the more glaring case of M.K.Alagiri, the incumbent Union Minister for Chemicals and Fertilizers, who has declared assets worth a whopping 19 crores. I'm still searching for the enormously successful legal enterprise that M.K.Alagiri ought to have spearheaded for such windfall returns. No, these aren't the Mitt Romneys of India and don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

4) What a thoughtful electorate we have!

The National Social Watch report, (see above link), on analyzing the performance of Lok Sabha MPs found that "the performance of members inside the Lok Sabha had no bearing on their popularity or otherwise among the electorate. Among the top 10 performers in the 14th Lok Sabha, only 4 have managed to return to the 15th Lok Sabha."

Another illustrative fact is that the electorate of the country has managed to increase the percentage of MPs with criminal charges by 17.2 percent and the percentage of MPs with serious charges by 30.9 percent in the new Lok Sabha.

The democratic system has degenerated to a scheme where the politicians beguile the poor for votes with promises and botched implementations of populist schemes for the poor (including freebies like the case of doleing out colour TVs and laptops amongst others as witnessed in Tamil Nadu) and once elected, cozy up to the rich Corporate magnates, granting them enormous access and leverage at the the cost of national interest. The real losers in the entire bargain are the middle class, who are left holding the smaller end of the stick, in every interaction with the government.

5) Things would be better if you stopped blogging and tried changing the system!

I am sure they would. However, do you have any idea of the perils involved in getting into the political fray? I am talking about risks to life and limb, quite literally. When I was a teenager, I happened to witness the gruesome sight of a man with a severed limb, being chased by a mob from the opposing party, right outside our school which was an election center. You don't have to look far to find tales of gruesome ends that some independents with promising prospects came to in elections in Tamil Nadu and West Bengal. If not as an independent, which major party would you recommend that I seek the backing of? Suggestions, people! This is the plight and dilemma of the quintessential middle class citizen in a system dominated by thuggery, nepotism and dynastic politics. We do not have real political choice (we are reduced to picking the bad from among those worse) and cannot reasonably hope to run for office ourselves (without backing from the existing realpolitik). The middle class, of what is touted as the largest democracy in the world, live in what is, as far as they are concerned, an oligarchy.

6) The illustrious standing committee will sort things out on this bill!

Here is a list of the members in the Parliamentary standing committee on LokPal. While it is remarkable that 3 of the members (Lalu Prasad Yadav, Harin Pathak, and S.Semmalai) already had criminal records of a serious nature against their names (click names linked to affidavits of each), as if that weren't bad enough, news is breaking as of this writing that Amar Singh has been charge-sheeted in the cash for votes scam. I think its telling that we cannot pick even a handful of MPs from our Lok Sabha, who are not tainted. Or is this by design perhaps? Have the powers that be deemed that there must be adequate representation from tainted MPs to adequately represent the similar proportion of parliamentarians who have criminal records against their names?

The next time a supercilious acquaintance starts extolling the sanctity of Parliament and how Anna Hazaare's movement is misguided, thrust this post in his face.

Also, tell him that you support the Jan Lok Pal movement knowing fully well that:

a) It undermines parliamentary democracy (look at where 65 years of that has led us)

b) It primarily benefits the middle class (we are in the midst of a class war and this is our way of taking back lost ground).

c) It would create a body so powerful that it can turn dictatorial (at least in a dictatorship, we'd know whom to blame and we'd have no compunctions to revolt).

Harold Camping - the Genius and Instrument of the Abrahamic god

2011-05-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

So, as of this writing, its 21 May 2011, 8:00 p.m in Israel, the hallowed Biblical ground zero, and the only possible place based on which any time reference in the Bible could have been specified. So, the blog-osphere and tweet-osphere and the great plains of Facebook are of course abuzz with derision over him have gotten his doomsday prediction wrong - and for the second time!

I seem to be the lone voice of dissent amid all the derision. I think Harold Camping is a genius. A true and obedient instrument of the Abrahamic god.

For one, this guy is a Civil Engineer; not just a mediocre one from some little heard of online college like evangelicals generally are. No, this guy holds a degree from University of California, Berkeley, no less. Believe me, I once knew a girl in school (NOT in the biblical sense of "knowing" a woman) who went to University of California, Berkley, and she was as brilliant as she was gorgeous. She even bagged a medal in the International Maths Olympiad while at school. Well, she did not really know me, but thats an irrelevant detail. From that one data point I have, I can quite confidently conclude that people who go to Berkeley, and stick around long enough to finish a degree, must be nothing short of brilliant.

Also, do you have any idea how meticulous engineers are with their calculation? I do; I am an engineer myself and I've worked with them and I'm telling you, the good ones, especially those from Berkeley, go over their figures with a fine comb. He is as unlikely to have made a mistake in his 'Biblical calculations' as I am of mustering the courage to ask my aforementioned high school crush out on a date.

Secondly, this guy is a civil engineer. Jesus was a carpenter. Anyone else see the connection? (Hint: Both of them build stuff. I mean really 'build'- like fashioning real metal and wood stuff, not build like that lame ass 'Build' button that you find in your IDE, that compiles textual code into native binary or bytecode for an interpreter.)

Finally, and Camping cannot be anything but the ingenious, sort of Machiavellian, servant of the Abrahamic god, who carries out his master's bidding to the T. You see, anyone who is Christian or has ever read significant portions of the Bible (two sets, that are by and large, mutually exclusive), would know about the several, several instances in the Bible where it says that, the world at large, will not know about the onset of the end of times.

"For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night. For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape."

- Thessalonians 5:2-3

"But of that day and hour knoweth no [man], no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. But as the days of Noe [were], so shall also the coming of the Son of man be."

- Matthew 24:36-37

Now, anyone who thinks that Harold Camping does not know his Bible properly, is completely ignorant. Have you seen how thumbed this guy's copy of the Bible is (refer image below)? Hell, it looks older than him, and that is saying something, considering that this guy is so old, that he couldn't have possibly believed, deep down, that the 'Kingdom of god' would come in his own lifetime. No the real reason is something much more profound.

The Real Reason:

In the past 40 years, evangelical Christians have reclaimed the religious space in America, back from the void in the 60s where Time Magazine once published a cover, with the title 'Is God Dead?' The 'End of Times' prophesies as found in the book of Revelations and other places in the Bible are one of the key aspects of evangelical proselytizing (other than of course, the other two, which are that, "God hates fags and abortion doctors" and "God loves the Republican party and the NRA" .

The evangelical renaissance and its dissemination of rapture related propaganda is so rampant in fact, that one former vice Presidential candidate and potential Presidential candidate for 2012, from the Republican Party of America believes that the rapture will occur in HER own lifetime. Can you even blame her for asking America to "drill, baby, drill" for oil, brushing aside concerns about global warming, which as far as she is concerned is not a concern, given the short time the world has anyway.

Now, evidently with all this attention that end of times prophesy is getting in America, god evidently must be feeling quite uncomfortable. He is supposed to send his son down to earth, when everyone is least expecting him to. I mean, here is a hypothetical conversation between Jesus and god:

Son: Dad, is it time yet? Do I go down there now?

Father: No

(After a while...)

Son: Is it time yet?

Father: No

Son: But you promised!

Father: Jesus Christ! Stop pestering me dammit!

Son: Er... Dad you can't do that...

Father: Do what?

Son: You can't take my name in vain.

Father: What?... Oh, no, I was actually addressing you young man...

Son: I am like 2000 years old, Dad

Father: Goddammit, I am over 13 billion years old

Son: Wait, you mean you weren't around before the Big Bang?

Father: Er.. well its complicated. Anyway, you can't go down to earth right away since there are too many people expecting you to come down to them anytime now.

Son: So?

Father: Well, that means that biblical verses that talk about armageddon sneaking up on the humans like a thief in the night will be rendered null and void.

Son: Who cares? That verse wasn't from the gospels that chronicle what I preached when I was down there. It was some smarty pants fellow, Paul, who had nothing better to do than write long rambling letters to people in far off lands.

Father: I divinely inspired him to do that. If I don't fulfill my own prophesies, I am going to look like an idiot.

Son: So, when will it be time for me to go down there? I need to pick what to wear and all that sort of thing you know. I need sufficient notice.

Father: Wait, I am cooking a plan up with this fellow, Harold Camping... lets see how it goes.

You see? Thats what this thing is really about. What if when everyone realises that Doomsday is not today, and are laughing about having lost any sleep over it, god (and Jesus) strike the next day, on May 22, when no one any longer believes the end is at hand. See what I mean? Or the next Saturday, May 28.

Or, better still, get Camping to predict another doomsday, and this time over, everyone is going to laugh him off, and bam, god picks that day to start Armageddon off. Its bloody brilliant, I tell you.

If Harold Camping makes another prediction, I urge you take him very seriously. Or not, depending on whether you are expecting or dreading the rapture, since if you do take him seriously, god will have to postpone the start of the "end of times" again. In any case, don't you agree that Camping is a genius?

Disagreeing with Islam (Politely)

2011-01-08T07:27:00.001-08:00

Living in India, I am gagged by Section 295(A) of the Indian Penal Code, which prevents me from criticizing religion. Hence, I will be treading on eggshells here, keeping the list of adjectives I employ to the bare minimum while pointing out politely, why I disagree with Islam being a religion of peace and love. I am doing this so that I can simply link to this page, when someone starts chiding me for my general disdain for Islam rather than having to engage in a lengthy debate with my detractors; especially those secular minded people who take up a defense of Islam without having sufficient knowledge of the Quranic verses.

Moderate Muslims may even go so far as to accommodate adherents of all faiths as being believers; I however, am an atheist, a disbeliever, a 'kuffar' by definition. Hence, the following verses are certainly applicable to me.

In order to avoid inviting any hate mails (or worse), I am not going to comment on any of the following verses. The translations cited below are of the respected Pickthall version. If that does not suit the reader's fancy, each of the verses are linked to the excellent quran.com that has various other versions of translations and transliterations of Quranic verses, so that I am not accused of misinterpreting the text. The website also allows for easy browsing of the chapter its taken from so that I am not accused of taking a verse out of context.

Finally, it is a fact that the Quran devotes more verses to what horrors await a disbeliever post judgement day, than it devotes to any other single topic. I am not perturbed by these verses and hence will not be listing them below. I am only bothered about those views it advocates for its adherents that will affect their interaction with me in this temporal world.

3:28 Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. Whoso doeth that hath no connection with Allah unless (it be) that ye but guard yourselves against them, taking (as it were) security. Allah biddeth you beware (only) of Himself. Unto Allah is the journeying.

3:118 O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. We have made plain for you the revelations if ye will understand.

3:149 O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers.

4:89 They long that ye should disbelieve even as they disbelieve, that ye may be upon a level (with them). So choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend nor helper from among them,

4:101 And when ye go forth in the land, it is no sin for you to curtail (your) worship if ye fear that those who disbelieve may attack you. In truth the disbelievers are an open enemy to you.

4:144 O ye who believe! Choose not disbelievers for (your) friends in place of believers. Would ye give Allah a clear warrant against you ?

5:80 Thou seest many of them making friends with those who disbelieve. Surely ill for them is that which they themselves send on before them: that Allah will be wroth with them and in the doom they will abide.

9:23 O ye who believe! Choose not your fathers nor your brethren for friends if they take pleasure in disbelief rather than faith. Whoso of you taketh them for friends, such are wrong-doers.

9:73 O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey's end.

9:84 And never (O Muhammad) pray for one of them who dieth, nor stand by his grave. Lo! they disbelieved in Allah and His messenger, and they died while they were evil-doers.

9:123 O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and let them find harshness in you, and know that Allah is with those who keep their duty (unto Him).

25:52 So obey not the disbelievers, but strive against them herewith with a great endeavour.

66:9 O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end.

Suprabatham with Beer

2010-11-27T20:10:00.000-08:00

This post is about an incident that occurred recently. I stay with folks I work with, and one Saturday evening, we decided to wind down with a few beers. Nothing fancy mind you, just 4 people and beers chatting into the night. As a teetotaler, I am able to recall the event more vividly than the others.

Let's begin with full disclosure. We were chatting away early into the morning, and we were indeed playing the music system rather loud. In my defense, I repeatedly remonstrated that the volume of the music be turned down lest we have the neighbours knocking on our door, bleary-eyed and angry.

However, it wasn't the neighbours who came knocking at 5.30 in the morning. It was the cops.

As soon as we opened the door, they barged right in, and must have been quite disappointed over finding nothing interesting happening inside, except 4 people sitting around, 3 of them drinking beer - which we bought legally before the watershed mark of 11 p.m, and brought home to drink responsibly.

"Do you know you're creating a public nuisance with the music?"

"Well... er.. ok, sir. We'll turn it off."

As is typical with cops, they harassed us a bit, gave us some fatherly advice and left after eliciting a promise that we will not play music loudly - ever. Those of you who can read between lines would know what else must have transpired in between that caused their change of stance from aggressive to fatherly.

Anyway, once we were inside, I was contemplating about other sounds that one could hear in our block at 5.30 in the morning; sounds that were certainly louder than the music from our place:

Bells being rung at the nearby temples.
Speakers from one of the temples blaring out M.S.Subbalakshmi's nasal rendition of 'Suprabatham'.
Muezzins from two mosques, slightly out of phase with each other, calling out the faithful for morning prayers with their unforgivably bad rendition of the 'adhan'; their voices often cracking at various points, making it even more punishing on the listener.

It has always amazed me how some of the most ridiculously bad renditions of religious music is hailed as beautiful by the faithful. I'm sure M.S.Subbalakshmi had a captivating voice in her heyday, (at which point she was quite a babe too, I must add) but the Suprabatham was clearly rendered by an old woman whose voice was well past its prime. Yet, I reckon that the religious are either oblivious to this because of their religiosity or are afraid of divine retribution if they admit as much.

As for the muezzins, I have wondered if their voices cracking hilariously mid-rendition distracts any of the faithful following them in prayer.

In any case, what I really wonder is, would we have been in as much trouble if we were knocking back beers with 'Suprabatham' instead of Pearl Jam blaring from our music systems.

Obama for Prime Minister

2010-11-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

So, the American mid-term election results are out and as predicted, a wave of anti-Obama sentiments amongst the Americans has swept the Republicans to power. It appears, that its quite likely that Obama would be a one-term President (in fact, many in the tea-party support his impeachment even before 2012 if possible, if the placards they hold at their rallies are to be taken seriously.)

I see a silver lining in all this for India, and I think Obama's impending visit to the country is a good time to set the ball rolling. What I suggest is that we invite him to run for public office - here. While this might sound outrageous at first it will make perfect sense once I'm done, so hear me out here.

Lets examine his track record so far. Some of the promises he made prior to the elections were to pull out of Iraq, reform health care, reform regulatory practices and increase Government oversight of banks and corporations, put into action a new energy policy and engage constructively with the Islamic nations on the foreign affairs front. Here's the trouble that the Tea bagging republicans see with all this - he delivered on the promises. His overhaul of the health care system (dubbed "ObamaCare" by the Tea-Party movement) has been called communist and dangerously expansionist. This is despite the fact that what finally became law was a watered down version of his original proposal after Republicans filibustered it ("we owe atleast that much to out Corporate overlords!"). He has pulled most troops out of Iraq and is trying to push financial reform through the houses.

However, gun-toting, commie bashing and god loving Americans have woken up with a jolt ("Now, wait a cotton-picking minute! We don't want no Muslim Commie spook tellin us how to handle our health care!") and are censuring him for actually following through with his promises. Apparently, they weren't serious about all the demands with which they elected him to office. Now, they want to restore things to the way they were under the Bush administration ("Ah...those were the days.")

So
a) They don't want politicians who have intelligence, spine and integrity.
b) They don't want politicians who deliver on their promises.
c) They don't want politicians with Muslim sounding middle names.
d) They don't want politicians of foreign origin.
e) They prefer right wing radical scum bags who are in bed with well endowed special interest groups.

Do you see the opportunity for a wonderful trade here?

In India
a) We desperately need politicians with intelligence, spine and integrity (atleast one of these.)
b) We'd love to know how it feels to elect politicians who deliver on their promises.
c) We don't mind Muslim middle, first or surnames (our vice President is a Muslim afterall, and he's a swell guy, right?)
d) We don't mind welcoming politicians of foreign origin (the leader of our ruling party is an Italian by birth, and we get along famously with her, don't we?)
e) We have more know-nothing, right wing radical scum bags who'd work for the highest bidder, than we can count.

So, I suggest we trade. We get Barack Obama, and in return they can have as many of our scum bag netas as they want. Its a win-win deal. Obama for Prime Minister, ftw!

Why (Ir)Rev. Terry Jones is a Clever, Cheeky Little Imp

2010-09-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

No, no, this is not a post joining the chorus denouncing him for the planned (and now suspended) Koran burning.

Quite the opposite actually. This is a post about why his plan was so clever, impishly so, borderline ingenious. Here is a chap who has never really accomplished anything of substance, even by the standards of fellow evangelicals, who has a congregation of 50 and a church, a substantial part of which is still under mortgage. Yet, here's what he set out to do:

a) promote/publicize his church and
b) highlight how radical a religion Islam (ostensibly) is.

He's certainly succeeded spectacularly with (a). However, that's not what makes this stunt so clever. Its how he's got with (b) that I am so amused by.

For just issuing a threat to burn copies of the Koran, the responses and threats from/or instigated by the Muslim world have been:

Afghans pre-empting the Koran burning with their traditional, bi-weekly burning of the American flag, accompanied by mass protests. They even took the trouble of burning Jones' effigy.
One protester shot dead and more injured as a crowd of protesters attacked a NATO base!
Similar protests in Pakistan, Indonesia... and the rest of the usual Islamic circuit.
Heads of states of India, Indonesia and Malaysia issuing statements that almost amount to interfering in the internal affairs of a sovereign nation - asking the American Govt. to stop one of its own citizens from exercising a constitutionally protected freedom.
A recruitment bonanza for Al-Qaeda and sister networks.
Hezbollah, the Lebanese Shiite terrorist movement calling upon the American Govt. to stop the burning. (Oh! The irony.)
Gainesville Police beefing up security around the neighbourhood of the Dover Outreach Center (Jones' church).
Interpol issuing a warning that the burning poses a significant security risk for Americans.
FBI also confirming Interpol's fears.
The U.S Defense Secratary calling on Terry Jones, requesting restraint.
Iranian President renewing his threat to destroy Israel (again).
Rackspace, a leading hosting service, censoring the Church's website.
Colourful editorials in Jihadi websites.

Terry must be chuckling away impishly now. "Voila! There, I told you so. Heck! I didn't even have to burn a page!"

Scripture for Skeptics

2010-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

Here is the general idea. A compilation of comprehensive treatises on various aspects of nature and our humanity that we can refer to as being a comprehensive representation of human knowledge, without having to invoke faith:

1) The Book of Penrose: A Road to Reality
Just found this recently. Its a mammoth treatise, over 1000 pages long, the first 338 of which are devoted exclusively to laying a mathematical foundation for the reader to understand the Physics to follow, which deals with the laws that govern our Universe, ranging from relativity to quantum mechanics.
2) TODO - Suggestions welcome
A treatise on biology, dealing primarily with the origin of life. Tempted as I was to put 'The Selfish Gene' by Richard Dawkins here, I did not want to put a book that offers the brilliant alternative way of thinking about genes that the book is primarily about. I'd rather that we go with something that deals dispassionately, comprehensively and rigorously with the subject of our biological origins.
3) TODO - Suggestions welcome
A treatise on real, rigorous Philosophy. I have read close to nothing so I urge anyone stumbling upon this to point out suggestions.
4) TODO - Suggestions welcome
A treatise on the history of Civilization
5) TODO - Suggestions welcome
A treatise on the history of Religion
6) TODO - Suggestions welcome
A treatise on the history of Humanities - Art, Music, Literature and Architecture

Compilation of these texts may help with the stimulation and standardization of discussion on each of the major aspects of human knowledge I have described above. Parts 4,5 and 6 are not mutually exclusive, however I think its fair to give history of religion a place of its own, given its impact on our history and while Part 6 covers too much ground to deal with in a single book I am optimistic about finding a great book out there that would do justice to all of the aspects it deals with.

Have I left out anything? I am open to suggestions. For eg. linguistics almost seems to be needing a place of its own. Not sure. A separate treatise on mathematics perhaps?

My brother pointed out, on hearing my only concrete suggestion for a book to go into the list, that this compilation might end up like all scripture: one that is revered universally but hardly ever read, and never really understood.

True as that may be, I'd rather that I go to my grave, grappling unsuccessfully with the understanding of these texts rather than pretending to have understood elaborate and poorly written myths.

Wouldn't you?

Getting High on God

2010-06-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

Religious or spiritual experiences are associated with a surge in dopamine levels apparently. You know what else is? Snorting cocaine. Apparently, getting "high on god" as is the expression used by the evangelical movement has a rather literalistic angle to it.

I was just reading up on the effects of Cocaine on Wikipedia, and its surprising how much of it has analogues in religion:

What's similar:
1) Increased levels of dopamine.
2) Induced feelings of euphoria.
3) Can also induce anxiety, paranoia and restlessness.
4) Excessive usage results in convulsions and increased body temperature.
5) Occasional use does not typically lead to severe or even minor physical or social problems. [References 1 and 2]
6) Painful withdrawal symptoms

What's not:
Cocaine is banned in almost every part of the world.

Drawing the Prophet

2010-05-21T05:04:00.001-07:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE DEEPLY OFFENSIVE TO MUSLIM SENTIMENTS. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVICED.

The 'Draw the Prophet' day slipped by me. Despite having caught wind of it all well in advance, it just slipped my mind. The reason I was reminded of this momentous day was because the real activity on the social networks only peaked on May 20 morning in the West, by which time it was a little too late for us on the other side of the world.

Nevertheless, its not like I would have produced a sketch of the Prophet. Its easy to make cartoons that Muslims can take offense to when you're sitting in a country that has just banned the Burkha and where your religious institutions are separated from the Government. I don't have that luxury. Posting such an image in India can get you arrested on grounds of inflaming religious sentiments.

However, I wholeheartedly support the idea (what? that's illegal too?) I have been reading a lot of apologists and "moderates" who say that it is wrong to go out of the way to offend. However, as has been pointed out, if even something as trivial as drawing an image can be cited as grounds for religious hurt, if we *submit* to it (double-entendre intended), imagine on how many other grounds we can be cornered into giving up our freedoms. It will only be the first link, in a long chain, which we will help forge to bind ourselves with.

Keeping with the spirit of it all, and making a point at the same time, I'd like to post two images which theoretically should cause the same amount of offense to Muslim sensibilities but I have a hunch that they don't. If on the other hand, they do, then is it justified to go so far as to removing these paintings from their current location, in the name of erring on the side of caution when it comes to giving offense?

Scenes from the Life of Moses by Sandro Botticelli in the Sistine Chapel:

Christ Giving the Keys to St. Peter in the Sistine Chapel:

EDIT: In case you didn't know, Moses and Jesus are venerated as prophets in Islam. Mohammed is considered the 'seal' among the prophets, i.e. that last one to be sent down to us. There is even a precedent where a movie was censored on this basis: http://bit.ly/chW5Mm

Mayflowering Away

2010-04-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

When the so-called Pilgrim fathers set sail for America it was to escape religious persecution. In fact what they were trying to leave behind was not a religious order that was more conservative, but in fact one that they considered too liberal, one which was, as they saw it, a digression from the true spirit of the Christian Bible.

It's an irony then that in the few centuries since they arrived in America hoping to create a more pious society, America with the influx of people thereafter from half a dozen European nations was transformed into the most vibrant and pluralistic cultures in history. What emerged from that heady mix of aspirations, religious denominations, dialects - in short, people - was this unique culture, free of orthodoxy, where nothing was too taboo to be challenged, where innovation not just in industry but also in culture, thrived.

Of course that picture was not without its share of blemishes. Whether it was slavery, which America condoned long after it was banned in Britain or the more inane witch hunts as witnessed the Salem witch trials, American Society had to go through its share of trials and tribulations brought about as a result of the cultural memory ingrained in its constituents - migrants from Europe. Yet what finally emerged was a society whose greatest export was probably its own liberal and distinctive culture. This spirit of cultural innovation is still going strong in America. Where else in the world would you find something like this accepted and celebrated the way this was:

However, I have a feeling that as a culture crystallizes, as a society's politicians start harping on catchphrases such as 'the American dream', "the American way", "all-American family", "American traditions", the society in question will start to resist change, as already evident in America. What was once the land of the free is now probably the most radicalized developed nation in the world. Every day we hear tales of freedom being quashed in the name of religion and security. The resurgence of conservatism is spectacular, to say the least. I think it says volumes when you note that after eight years of disastrous rule under a president who came to power more because his constituents believed that he spoke to God every day rather than any semblance of administrative, diplomatic or leadership abilities, the current president and his men despite possessing all the aforementioned qualities are running for cover under the charge of radicalized conservatives who show no restraint or consideration whatsoever in their accusations.

I believe that we need to be able to 'Mayflower' our way out of a restrictive society when we want to. Of course we don't have the luxury of a "New World" which we can set sail for at a whim. Probably in the future such an opportunity will present itself in the form of interplanetary travel and colonization. Unless we are able to Mayflower away when the time arrives, cultural innovation like in the wedding dance above will be trodden down by the relentless march of conservatism. Mayflower, conform or die!

Force Majeure

2010-03-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

In the engineering industry, purchase orders generally contain the 'Force Majeure' clause. An engineer, I had never taken the effort till now to read all the commercial clauses that came with a purchase order; that is generally left to the procurement department to take care of. I had a little time on my hands the other day. I found these delightful words under the Force Majeure clause:

Delivery of equipment is subject to force majeure, by which it means
causes such as Acts of God, Acts of Government, war, invasion, civil
disobedience, government orders or restrictions, strikes, lock-outs,
riots, fires, epidemics, sabotages, accidents, floods, fire,
earthquake, breakdown of machinery or any other causes whatsoever
beyond our reasonable control, affecting us, our subcontractors,
suppliers etc.

Firstly, I just love the order of unexpected contingencies.

Secondly, I am impressed by how they have tried to cover all their bases. Heck, they even guard against wanton whimsical tendencies of the almighty. That takes the cake.

Thirdly, how does one verify that a shipment has been stopped by an 'Act of God'?

Fourthly, if you do believe in Acts of God, that list is not mutually exclusive. Then again, if you did believe in God, you'd have stopped with Acts of God.

Finally, they have missed out a significant contingency in that list. Abduction by Extra-Terrestrials.

The Online Lottery Proposition

2010-01-26T06:52:00.000-08:00

Let me start off with an admission. The first time I ever saw one of the 'YOU HAVE WON A MILLION DOLLARS! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!' ads popup on screen, I fell for it. However, that was the last time I did (it culminated in me making an international call to a number I got in an email) and I was 13. A decade later and jaded enough to ignore these ads to the point of not realising they were on the page I just visited, I now stop to ask... well, why don't these work anymore?

Have you heard of anyone winning an online lottery? Why not? Quite often we hear of people winning lotteries of other forms, yet not the online variety. Evidently, not hearing about others winning (and perhaps for some of us, an expensive and futile overseas call) turns us off to these ads. I suppose an industry in these ads is almost non-existent.

I have a proposition for its revival.

A trivial method to revive the industry ofcourse is to give the odd chap a million dollars... a genuine reward under the glare of the press cameras. Yet, that, will cost a million dollars, and people who have a million dollars, probably won't be reading this. No, this is not the solution I am proposing. What needs to be done is rather different. What we need is borrow from a key aspect of religion - miracles. Let's compare what we know of miracles and Online Lotteries:

	Miracles	Online Lottery
Has it ever worked for you?	Nope	Nope
Has it worked for some close relative/friend?	No	No
For someone you dont know but heard of having worked for?	Yes	No
Have you heard of scams involving them?	Yes, several	Yes, each time I click the ads
Do you think you deserve one?	Heavens! Yes!	Hell Yeah!
Do its peddlers ask for your money?	Yes	Yes

Being alike in so many forms, its almost shocking that the online lottery people won't scramble to close the gap and remove the one crucial difference between them... get people talking about it! Get the buzz going.

They don't need to pay people millions of dollars. They don't even need to get people to say that lotteries work. Get them to ask, do they work? Get some of them saying that its all a scam. Get some of them saying, "Well, I haven't won one myself, but I have heard of this guy in ....". Get some of them to ask their friends, "What do you know of online lotteries? I'm thinking of trying to win one. What with all my problems, heaven knows I need one." Get them to start saying, "I know of this site where when you click the ad from..."

Wait, that's not all. The most lucrative option would be to join the peddlers of miracles.

Go to the evangelists who heal the people with internal diseases/disorders (they never seem to grow back limbs as you know). Ask them to pray an online lottery for poor Martha, a pale but pretty looking single mother who has to feed five of her children on her own. Get her to do a ceremonial 'click' in front of a crowd of people praying, waiting with bated breath as she clicks the ad banner, egged on by the good Reverend's imploring the crowd to "Pray for Martha! Get down on your knees and call the Lord to your computer" as she enters her personal details into the form. Get Martha, upon clicking it to say... "I'm sorry. Its not working," stifling a sob. And just is as she is about to walk off the stage, get her cellphone to ring. Let her pick up and talk for a few seconds, anxiety writ on her face "Yeah, this is Martha... yes... uh huh... um... yes... are you sure? Are you completely sure... OMG.. " (at which point the pastor gently rebukes her saying, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain my child") "...can you confirm that....Alright.... I see... alright, I'll be there" and then get her to put down her phone, face the crowd and tell the crowd with a wavering voice, with a smile now on her tearful face, "I won! Praise the Lord, I won... we won!"

10 of my Engg. Insights for the Year

2009-12-31T07:14:00.000-08:00

I suppose its that time of the year where a post that you make needs to reflect some of the momentousness of the occasion (though you're most probably reading this too late). So, I decided I might as well yield to such an urge and am listing 10 of the most profound insights I've had this year in my professional life as an engineer that I will be taking into the new decade. but Let me start off by allaying your fears that they don't really let me do anything that's as dangerous as what you're about to read... yet.

Again, as in my previous post about engineering, not all of the following is exaggeration...

1) In engineering, 'competence' is getting through drudgery without blowing stuff up, 'enterprise' is competence whilst pretending you're enjoying all of it, and 'experience' is the late realization that neither of the above matters.

2) In engineering, 'humility' is what you experience when you read that one of the 15000 or so 1/4" inch valves you specified in your project costs more than your annual gross income.

3) Engineering is about doing the right thing at the right time and at the right place... but none of that is as important as NOT being anywhere near the thing as its being turned on.

4) A corollary of (3) above is that the world would be a lot safer if it were mandated that the responsible engineer throws the switch for the first time... though leaving it to politicians is gratifying.

5) A poor design is one that blows up in your face; a 'cost-effective' design is one where you know how much time you have to secure payment for it before it goes off.

6) You can always spot a trainee by how close he stands to the bypass valve.

7) I think it says volumes about the hazards of engineering that unlike other professions of erudite learning (law, medicine etc.) , a career in it is never referred to as 'practice'.

8) If everything that CAN go wrong WILL go wrong, I challenge Mr. Muphy to explain how so much of my design is still standing.

9) Any engineer worth his salt knows that you can get further with super-glue and prayer, than you can with just prayer.

10) A layman marvels at the workings of a contraption as its engineer does in that its working.

Look Who's Open for Business

2009-12-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

If only Orwell were around to see this...

I am surprised I didn't hear about the official website of the DPRK before. I have no idea when this site came up... it has probably been around forever. Shame it took me so long to get to it.

(The following is best read with 'We are Family' by Sister Sledge playing in the background.)

a) We're Open for Business !

'Know How' sounds like our Middle Names: "The business center is composed by DPRK Government Officials, with more than 15 years experience and experts in the fields of foreign relations, international trade and banking. "
Only the most effecient workers:"Lowest labour cost in Asia."
Till Death do Them Part: (My favourite) "Education, housing and health service is provided free to all citizens. As opposed to other Asian countries, worker's will not abandon their positions for higher salaries once they are trained."
Get Straight To Business: "All business made directly with the government, state-owned companies. No middle agents."
Open All Year Round: "IKBC organizes exclusive business trips every year."

b) They've got uber-cool guided tours.

Exclusive safaris: "To experience North Korea outside the tourist trail and have interaction with North Korean citizens first hand."
Where No Non Korean Has gone Before: "A visitor joining the KFA Delegation is not treated as a tourist but as a friend of the DPRK, having access to places, information, insights and events not allowed for regular visitors"
No Yanks Allowed: "All Passports except USA"

c) Shake that hot commie thing: Official (comm)iStore

Move over Hannah Montana with "Korean Juvenile Music"
Moby got Owned: "Pochonbo Electronic Ensemble"
Femme Fatale Cops: "A Traffic Controller on Crossroads"
CSI Season 12: "Inerasable Crimes of Japan"

d) Club DPRK: Friends for Life!

Don't be a Dork: Get a KFA card NOW!
"Get access to internal KFA meetings and privileged discounts in KFA Delegations. "
"Anytime you can also confirm identity and position of other members by sending an e-mail with its barcode to korea@korea-dpr.com"

No, we ain't your regular Mickey Mouse Organization!

We ARE THE DPRK!

Definitely not Gray

2009-11-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

Google is to me what Apple is to the Apple cult. However, I wonder if they went a little overboard with their ad campaign for the Chrome browser. Clearly, someone was trying to take a leaf out of the ingenious 'Mac Vs PC guy' ads. Take a look.

Now, leaving aside the exception that members of LGBT community may take to the rather suggestive innuendo in "Definitely not Gray", I am surprised that Google would resort to such language in an ad campaign. I'd probably have found this hilarious were I watching SouthPark but in a Google campaign... tut-tut.

Also, and correct me if I am wrong here (I am colour-blind after all) but does anyone else find the whole idea of using a heretofore unexposed/little known feature of the Youtube API (I'm talking about the changing backgrounds bit) for promoting its own product and the whole set of bright, colourfully cheerful/loud/flowery backgrounds is all rather... uhm... "gray"?

JFK in Retrospect

2009-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

I suppose the audience present at that time, why, even the world as a whole, went into a rapture of sorts when JFK uttered those words about not asking what the country can do for you. Two generations later, in a more placid state of mind, I feel that there is more to that statement than he cared to mention.

What he really meant, I reckon, was that if you are one to do something for your country, the very best it will do for you in return is drape your coffin with its flag, and give you a three volley salute, and that is if you die before you do too much good.

If one the other hand, you are one to do something to your country, then, there is much indeed that your country can do for you.

Nothing sums up my sentiment as today's editorial by P.Sainath in the Hindu does.

In retrospect it seems, that what JFK left out of that speech was prescient of what became of him and his brother.

Proximity-TOA Correlation

2009-10-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

I think I just may have chanced upon a law from empirical observation, much like say Moore's law
or Murphy's law.

The observation is as follows:
"The farther a member of a rendezvous party is from the rendezvous point, the earlier he/she is
likely to arrive there before the others."

A plausible explanation I have as to why this prediction turns out true much more often than not
is because people farther off from a rendezvous point will make an effort to leave much earlier
than necessary so as to give themselves a buffer against any unexpected delays on the long way
to the rendezvous point.

The negation of this statement also holds good. People who are closer to the rendezvous point
tend to start later reassured by the fact that the rendezvous point is close by after all and
are unlikely to be delayed by any unexpected events. Unexpected events are by their very nature
rare, thus both the precaution as well as the lack of any guard against it seldom turns out to
be a factor in the arrival time.

Also note that this does not conflict the normal distribution of arrival times that is to be
expected in such cases. My proposition merely relates the proximity of the person arriving
the rendezvous point to how much closer or farther his time of arrival is from the median of
the bell curve distribution.

The correlation of this law is as high as the following factors are
relevant:

a) the formalism involved in the meeting/rendezvous (i.e. more applicable to a board meeting
than an informal party)

b) infrequency of the meeting (i.e. more often the meeting's repetition, lower the correlation)

The reason why both these factors will affect the correlation is obvious.

Hence, to put it succinctly, the early bird is the one farthest from the worm.

Guns and God(s)

2009-10-03T13:18:00.001-07:00

Two key issues that rage in debates between liberals and conservatives in America are the twin issues of guns and gods. For the uninitiated, it goes like this: the conservatives want to keep guns with the people and get god into the Supreme Court (and schools, by the way.) The liberals want to keep god out of the courtroom and get guns away from the people.

Lets look at some examples of countries, and how guns and god are treated in them:

Case 1 : Guns with the people, God in the Courtoom : Afghanistan, NW Pakistan
(True, there aren't too many functional courtrooms in Afghanistan nor Pakistan. Yet, the ones that function at all are the Sharia courts where god's purported word is above all else. )

Case 2: Guns away from people, God in Courtroom : Saudi Arabia
(This is ofcourse, neglecting the suicide bombers and fellows who fly planes into buildings in other 'allied' countries.)

Case 3: Guns with the people, God away from the Courtroom : USA

Case 4: No Guns, no God : Scandinavian countries, Western Europe, Japan
(As per a Gallop poll, the most irreligious countries were associated with the highest standards of living in the world, and vice versa for the religious ones. As it turns out, these countries also have amongst the most restrictive gun laws. )

You can read a nice Wikipedia page on gun laws in different countries, here.

Now believe you me. I admire the 'Second Amendment'; I was also moved to tears when I first read the 'Right of Revolution' clause in the Declaration of Independence:

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

However, one has to admit that right to carry a firearm, if it was primarily intended to be a deterrent against oppression by Government, is a bit outdated. No matter how many guns you arm the citizenry with, there are only so many tanks that all those guns are going to take out with a few rifles or handguns. So, you'll need to arm them with bazookas or rocket launchers or anti-tank whatever-it-is that the Taliban uses, and even then it won't suffice. Hence you need to grant the citizenry right to own artillery as well. And artillery units are only sitting ducks to an oppressor armed with F-16s so you'll need to let the citizens buy, own and operate their own air bases and air-force. Well, if you are smiling, you evidently haven't heard about Anarcho-Capitalism.

However, you haven't heard anything about American gun control either. Not yet. The following was a revelation during a chat with one of my friends, Rohit, in America. After hearing me talk so passionately about the right to rebellion:
Rohit: yeah

I know

you know what is more absurd?

the point is to be able to rebel against the government

guns are banned in washington DC

me: lol!!!

Rohit: no citizen is allowed guns there

permit or not

The Case against Heaven

2009-09-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

(Obviously other people might have said this better, but hey, its my blog.)

Consider the following propositions or axioms common to all the Abrahamic faiths:

1) Heaven exists.

2) God gave mankind free will.

Heaven is the ultimate reward for all virtuous conduct. Its an etenally blissful afterlife, free of all the evils and sufferings on earth.

Free will is the reason for evil. Free will is also the the offered explanation for good. Greed, selfishness, good, evil all spring from free will, as natural consequences of.

Now lets consider these two propositions as valid simultaneoulsly. I draw the following two possible sets of conclusions:

a) Heaven is blissful.

b) Heaven is the epitome of goodness.

c) For goodness to be meaningful, free will must exist.

d) If there is free will, then evil exists as a consequence.

e) Ergo, there must be evil in heaven.

f) Ergo, there must be suffering in heaven as a consequence of evil.

g) Evil on earth is temporary, all things in heaven are eternal.

h) Ergo, there must be a lot of evil and lot of suffering in heaven.

Else

a) There is no free will in heaven.

b) Without free will, there is no notion of good.

c) Without the notion of goodness, there is no notion of bliss.

d) Heaven is not blissful.

Ergo sum, one of the following may be true:

a) There is free will AND (a lot of) suffering in heaven.

Else

b) There is neither free will NOR bliss in heaven.

The Patriot

2009-09-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

This simply had to be on the blog:

I am standing for peace and non-violence.

Why world is fighting fighting

Why all people of world

Are not following Mahatma Gandhi,

I am simply not understanding.

Ancient Indian Wisdom is 100% correct,

I should say even 200% correct,

But modern generation is neglecting -

Too much going for fashion and foreign thing.

Other day I'm reading newspaper

(Every day I'm reading Times of India

To improve my English Language)

How one goonda fellow

Threw stone at Indirabehn.

Must be student unrest fellow, I am thinking.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I am saying (to myself)

Lend me the ears.

Everything is coming -

Regeneration, Remuneration, Contraception.

Be patiently, brothers and sisters.

You want one glass lassi?

Very good for digestion.

With little salt, lovely drink,

Better than wine;

Not that I am ever tasting the wine.

I'm the total teetotaller, completely total,

But I say

Wine is for the drunkards only.

What you think of prospects of world peace?

Pakistan behaving like this,

China behaving like that,

It is making me really sad, I am telling you.

Really, most harassing me.

All men are brothers, no?

In India also

Gujaratis, Maharashtrians, Hindiwallahs

All brothers -

Though some are having funny habits.

Still, you tolerate me,

I tolerate you,

One day Ram Rajya is surely coming.

You are going?

But you will visit again

Any time, any day,

I am not believing in ceremony

Always I am enjoying your company

- Nissim Ezekiel

Outsource This!

2009-09-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you must have heard the usual Freidmanite drivel about why markets should be unregulated, and outsourcing is the surest road to better productivity in a flat market... so on and so forth. However, outsourcing doesn't work primarily because a labour camp sweatshop in China can produce an iPod quicker, faster and cheaper than American production lines. It is because of the fact that Steve Jobs, sitting in his Manhattan perch, can call up the Chinese contractor and say, without having to worry about putting on a straight face, that he wants another 100,000 pieces by the end of the week.

Now, hold on. I am not talking about the things that people like Noam Chomsky, Naomi Klein and Arundhati Roy write about. Sure, the contractor probably has to slave work a few hundred Chinese peasants to death. I need to emphasize that I, on the other hand, am referring to, the straight face, or the lack of any necessity for it, in orders from another continent.

Think about it. If your manager wanted you to stay back the whole weekend (without any extra pay) and labour to finish some report out in time for the client meeting on Monday, he'd go about it with circumspection. He'd probably dangle some reward of a distant raise in front of you. Or drop hints about some recommendation to a vacancy that might come up as a result of your immediate superior Suryakantvenkataramanulu's (why should it always be Bob, Jim or Joe?) resignation. He might also, if we were anything like me, resort to pointing out gaffes that you let slip in your report all week long, so that by the end of it, you are so crushed and pliable, eager to regain his confidence, that you offer to stay back and finish the aforementioned report.

This is where outsourcing comes in. If you had a back office with some hapless young assistants, you don't need to worry about all that effort. You just call them. Tell them crisply that you want the report by Monday. Then you hang up. Problem solved.

Ofcourse, clever entrepreneurs have already realised all this. For eg. take for instance, this site which already does things like break up with your GF/BF for you. Again, note, what's being done away with is not the inefficiency in doing something... its the Thespian effort needed to say that terrible thing right, the need to put on your poker face... and all that sort of thing. The oldest outsourced activity in fact is another case in point - assassinations. Heck, if you wanted to kill your own king, you'd need a tie up with Assasins Inc. in your neighbouring country.

In fact, if the Greeks had discovered outsourcing back then, we'd have had no need for terms like 'Herculean task'. Poor Hercules. If only he had known that we Indians were around even then, and kicked ass at math and spreadsheets, even back then; he wouldn't have had to bother with all his... well, tasks. He'd have simply sent a parchment through his half brother Apollo (whom we worshiped back then, still do) that read:

Aryabhat,

We are in need of a positional arithmetic system based on the decimal system that we can use instead of the clunky system we have now to show the Egyptian delegation visiting our home office. Also, as a secondary objective, we may want you to explore the possibility of incorporating some method to indicate null or void quantities. If you could mash that up with your number system, which we'd like by Monday, that'd be great.

Also, Archimedes is calling in sick next week. So I need you to stand in for him next week, on the 'Move Mount Olympus' project. Apparently, he was talking about something about being able to move earth itself. Please look at the project mail archive and figure out what he meant.

Regards,
Hercules
(Half) God
Olympus Corp

Money Marries Culture

2009-08-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

This is an I came across in the July 2009 edition of Reader's Digest:

Since the image is a bit fuzzy, the ad reads

India's elite now have an exclusive way of finding their soulmates.

EliteMatrimony.com
A premium matrimony service from BharatMatrimony.

Presenting BharatMatrimony.com, the upper Crust of Matrimonies for the super-rich celebrities, royalty and who's who of society. Its a service for exclusively invited customers, who seek an ideal life partner to complement their lifestyle and cultural expectations. The way you search for your life partner will never be the same again.

I'm too sickened to type the rest out.

If this doesn't hurt you, or offend you profoundly, I hope that what I found at their site, will:

"The finest dining experience"?
"The best breed"?

What I really want to know from anyone who cares enough to read this is: is this an integral part of the hallowed Indian culture too?

Breaking (email) Chains

2009-08-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

See, spam is annoying, but easy to delete and/or block once you have learnt by trial and error that you can't possibly win 1000$ every third day in the same lottery and that you had better learn to live with certain endowments, sized as they are, rather than try enhancing it artificially. In fact. with my strict filtering options I don't receive any spam... nothing whatsoever. That also means that all the jokes that one of my friends sends with any mention of 'Viagra' in it doesn't get through. I bear with that, especially since all the mail from my evangelist uncle from the US gets filtered too (you just need to filter out any mail with "feel", "void" and "soul" in the same sentence; it takes care of the Scientology mails too).

Spam is one thing, unsolicited forwards from dear ones is quite another. You cannot relegate them to the spam folder lest you miss one of their occasional personalised mails. However, you can't bear having to deal with the flood of well meaning, uplifting messages and warnings about what cellphone and cellophane tape can do to your virility. Neither can you afford to tell them, however mildly, that unlike them, you actually do have sufficient reading material, and don't need the daily doses of borrowed wisdom.

I think I have managed to find a solution that I'd like to share.

Now, you'd all have noticed by now that these forwards tend to be long... you can trace a long chain. In fact, you'd probably be able to ferret out 300 odd email addresses in any one of these forwards, a gold mine for all the spammers out there. That's besides the point though. What you need to look for is something that resembles this, preferably way up in the chain:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Confidentiality Notice

This communication and the information it contains:-
(a) Is intended for the person(s) or organisation(s) named above and for no other person(s) or organisation(s).
(b) May be confidential, legally privileged and protected in law. Unauthorised use, copying or disclosure of any of it may be unlawful. If you have received this communication in error, please contact us immediately by email at PostMaster@somecompany.usuallyAnITservicesCompany.com.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now what you need to do forward the mail to postmaster at the indicated email address with a note saying something that involves hints like "improper use of corporate mail", "unsolicited", "nuisance" and such like. Before you bite your lip, digest this. This chap, way up in the chain that got to you, is someone you don't know, don't care about and loathe a little for being one of the original culprits perpetrating this bane. There is going to be no blow back possibly, on the near-dear one who forwarded it to you, way down the chain. After all, a little chat with the Postmaster of one's corporate mail servers never hurt anyone.

Spread the word. Send this to as many people as you can. The more people doing this, the merrier. Go ahead. Break those chains!

The 'Incredibility-vs-Evidence' Index

2009-07-11T06:16:00.000-07:00

Among the things that trouble me about us, and I mean, we the people, is how we demand as little proof as a claim is tall. One would expect that the more fabulous an assertion by someone is, the more we'd demand in the way of irrefutable evidence. Strangely it isn't so, and here are the examples in ascending order of the claim's incredibility (and in decreasing order of the evidence to back it.)

1. Interpersonal love/loyalty/devotion : Interpersonal love/loyalty/devotion are the ones that are the hardest earned, and therefore most expensive in terms of evidence needed to prove the claim. History and literature is rife with accounts of men/women sacrificing their life and limb for love. Once you throw in Helen, Cleo et. al, interpersonal love seems to be most demanding in terms of supporting evidence, even in the stuff of legends.

2. Employee's Competence : Barring a few exceptions, employees are expected to back their competence with performance, sometimes having to jump through hoops to establish it.

3. A General's Competence (esp. by a subordinate): Well, in this case, you don't get to ask for any proof of competence despite that you are going to die if the general is soft in the head. For those under a general's command, "their's not to reason why, their's but to do and die."

4. Company's Statements of Integrity and Social Responsibility: Evidence for this, when given (most often grudgingly) is suspicious at best and dubious at worst. However, a gamut of audits and detailed documentation pushes it up on the amount of evidence provided.

5. A Politician's promises to his Electorate: Whole nations and people are affected by the fidelity of these claims and even so, we ask so little in the way of evidence for the sincerity of their intent. We are swayed more by rhetoric rather than reason, sometimes electing inept governments back to power, swept by nationalist, religious and other populist fervour.

6. Nationalistic Pride: A belief that your country is superior to all others and more worthy of your devotion, and the world's resources simply because you were born in it.

7. UFOs: Incredible as claims of UFO sightings seem, I am pegging this slightly low on the 'incredibility' index than you'd have me do, since (as I have written before) ETs are vastly more probable than some of those to follow in the list.

8. Astrology - Zodiac - Almanac - Crystal Balls: An implicit belief in that there is such a thing as destiny and that it can be foretold. For the last time, the fancy math and counting that some strains of astrology employ is not empirical evidence!

9. Miracle Cures: Strangely, the efficacy of these is proportional to the faith you have in them. However, there are no reported cures of limbs miraculously having been grown back yet. They only seem to specialise in cancers and tumors for now.

10. Divine benevolent omnipotent omniscient and other omni* entity, talking snakes, Satan, Virgin Birth, resurrection, armageddon...

The Evil that Men Do

2009-06-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

"The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones."

-Antony's speech in Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare

Strange, but I think that may be one occasion where Shakespeare may have been guilty of a generalization. I think that is true for kings and dictators, but hardly so for martyrs, artists and writers. In fact, it seems that quite the opposite is true for these people.

When you think about it you'd realise that we'd much rather sing eulogies to dead famous authors than famous authors still alive. So also for artists, and by that I mean entertainers of any kind.

Many of my friends would rather be caught dead than listening to pop. Imagine what it'd do to their rebel image - the tattooed - where - the - sun - doesn't - shine - body - pierced - kinda brand cool or the gun - toting - gansta - rapper kinda brand cool, all carefully imported in Chinese made retail packages with American designer labels complete with sticky tag-lines.

Strange it seems then that Micheal Jackson has posthumously won everybody's respect (even my friends), the deprivation of which drove him to death. For some reason, all the purported evil he was charged with now seem irrelevant to all of us (including myself) who once railed at this alleged child molester.

If this is the evil that he left behind, you should admit it sounds amazing.

That Which We Call Music

2009-06-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

While in college, after the semester exams, there hung about on the corridors a heady mix of marijuana fumes and high decibel rock (and here I hasten to point out that I was and still am a teetotaler, and I don't smoke anything, even meat; I leave all that to others), I used to be convinced and kept asserting to anyone who was intoxicated enough to bother listening to me, that from what I could see, most of the greatest hits of even the most heavy metal bands, were those that were, uncharacteristically subdued considering the rest of their music. Thus, I proposed, that these songs should 'sound as sweet' no matter how little distortion guitar it featured. In fact, some of the distortion guitar was probably hurting the song. I was promptly laughed off (it may have been the cannabis) every time.

Then there is the scene at home, 'the musical capital of India', where you're never far away from someone who has a daughter or two named after their favourite Raga, all for the love of classical music. I have had to quail under their disdain for "all that western hippie music." I was never able to get through to this second version of snobs that if you have to learn and understand something to appreciate it, it sounds less like music and more like math.

The only thing that separates Roger Waters from Bach is 258 years and a wig. The only difference between Clapton and God is that Clapton would 'change the world' if he could. Long after their guitars stop playing, we'll continue to revel in the mastery of their compositions.

Little did I know until yesterday that I was vindicated on both counts, and have been for several years. Why didn't someone tell me about this?

Repositioning Keynes

2009-06-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

(as Mailed to Paul Krugman at half a dozen email addresses. This mail has most probably been relegated to the bottom of half a dozen spam/trash folders as you're reading this)

You will see from what is to follow that I am not an economist nor is this a discussion on one of the finer points of economics. I write this, rather, in a lighter vein. Even so, it doesn't take even my cursory understanding of macroeconomics to completely agree with your views regarding the religious right cozying up to the "malefactors of great wealth", the free market fundamentalists, the Freidmanites, the Neocons.

I see the current economic debacle as a great opportunity to 'reposition' Keynes so as to be more palatable to religious right; and there is no better person to do it than you - the foremost Keynesian of our times. You see I am almost convinced that the religious right's pathological aversion for Keynesian economics is probably related to the personal traits of Keynes himself rather than any of his theories. His sexuality and agnosticism is probably what is repugnant to the religious right. Well, it must be more his sexuality than his agnosticism since they thought that Freidman, an atheist was alright.

How I propose going about this repositioning is to highlight some of the things that Keynes said that may endear him to the R.R somewhat (most quotes are from Wikiquote):

1. Keynes hated the commies.

"...youth had no religion save Communism and this was worse than nothing."

-as told to Virginia Woolf and T.S.Elliot at a dinner party.

2. Keynes really hated the commies.

" I am not ready for a creed which does not care how much it destroys the liberty and security of daily life, which uses deliberately the weapons of persecution, destruction and international strife."

-A Short View of Russia (1925)

3. Keynes alluded to that holiest of holies... creation.

"The day is not far off when the economic problem will take the back seat where it belongs, and the arena of the heart and the head will be occupied or reoccupied, by our real problems — the problems of life and of human relations, of creation and behaviour and religion."

- First Annual Report of the Arts Council (1945-1946)

4. Keynes was gung-ho about capitalism.

"For my part I think that capitalism, wisely managed, can probably be made more efficient for attaining economic ends than any alternative system yet in sight..."

-The End of Laissez-faire (1926)

5. Even Bush can borrow a line from him the next time he's asked about WMDs in Iraq.

"When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?"

-quoted in Lost Prophets: An Insider's History of the Modern Economists (1994) by Alfred L. Malabre, p. 220

6. Keynes even shouts out to the extreme right. Sarah Palin and the other doomsday prophets should be delighted.

"In the long run we are all dead."

- A Tract on Monetary Reform (1923)

Of course, after harping on all this, all that we'll have to do is call all the other things that Keynes (here we say, "is purported to have") said that might not go down so well with the religious right, is all a grand left-wing conspiracy.

(end of email)

And all of you definitely oughta take a look at this.

Krishna? Who's Krishna?

2009-06-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

(I am going to get lynched for this one.)

As a matter of principle, I try to avoid the 'pooja' circus that keeps shifting from one distant relative to 'family friend's' place on a weekly basis. Then there are the occasions when I am dragged to one against my will. Its on such occasions, my gloves come off. Its all I can to do to fume inwardly(as if the nauseating cloud of smoke from the sacrificial altar around me was't enough), but there is always a lot of things to keep myself in good wry humour.

Take for instance the chatter of women sitting around a young girl, traditionally one who is trained in the nuances of Carnatic music, sitting on the floor in their Friday best (this usually happens on Fridays) singing Krishna hymns/songs/bhajans while their adoring husbands stand leaning against the walls nearby, some with their eyes closed (either to keep from the stinging smoke or probably just asleep) in meditation. Soon, other women join in too. What's amusing is the choice of the song.

"Alaypayuthey kannaaaaa......"
(chorus - repeat 3 times )

The full euphemistic translation of the song can be found here. As if that wasn't convincing enough, there are very suggestive nuances that have been left out of that translation. For example, the line about the moon shining bright goes like:

"Oh, how the wet moon burns like the morning sun!"

Honestly speaking I think its beautiful poetry with just a tinge of passionate eroticism. Yet, in this context, its hilarious.

"They are thinking about their husbands, dammit! They put their husbands in place of Krishna, and worship him," an outraged 'uncle' patronizes.

Yeah, sure, just like the 20 something maiden, with her masterful rendering of,
"Come! take me to a lonely grove and fill me with the emotions of ecstatic union!"

I don't know about him, but I doubt if I'd be able to bring myself to look kindly on my wife making overtures to other men, even if they be amorous smurf gods ( especially if they are amorous.)

Call me a philistine if you want, but I am perfectly capable of enjoying the beautiful poetry for what it is. The fun begins when the real philistines start imagining more to it than there actually is.

Blog Names

2009-05-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, I kinda agree with one of my friend's classification of the different types of blogs there are. I, however have been contemplating getting a domain for myself. That set me thinking about what sorta blog name could possibly increase the number of hits on this page to more than those by the customary 10 people who actually read this blog.

Simply looking around at the blog names other people have, it just struck me how conformist most of our blogs names are. For eg. most blog names/titles (sadly, mine included) contain one or more of the words below:

rambling(s) musing(s) arbitarary thoughts frozen memories deranged wonder confessions dreams more-musing(s) more-rambling(s)

Then there are the titles/names that don't mean anything or sound like some mystic spiritual cult's tag lines comprising of one or more of the following words:

spark fire quest zest eternal unleashed infinity vivacity

There are also those blogs that employ the use of important and difficult sounding words in them:

nemesis incognito minion underworld narcissistic maverick zeitgeist

My primary motivation ofcourse is to get myself offa this mmmiwonder blog name that sounds too full of myself. So I probably oughta have gone for something diminutive like balajeerc.com like my friend Arun tells me, persuading me against li'l-boy-fat-man ("Too confusing, unless you know the names and the order of the bombs. Even then, it sounds nothing like you." "Whatdaya mean?! There's a fat man in it and I was little at some point of time., wasnt I?") I considered something that sounds clever and elitist, like "catcher-of-the-wry" but then decided against it since it sounded, well, clever and elitist.

So, I needed something reasonably clever without sounding too full of myself, needed something that sounds personal without being too narcissistic and to sound witty(hopefully).

After some work, I have settled on and am happy to present my new 10$ a year domain name where this blog will henceforth be mirrored at:

http://www.redcarrotjalabee.com

That pose? Really?

2009-05-16T02:13:00.000-07:00

See, I adore Shashi Tharoor just as much as the next guy. I mean, slight ideological differences apart, the guy is one of those few people make Indians feel happy about themselves, and thats saying something. I also think that he'd be a whiff of fresh air in our polity (despite his somewhat gung-ho attitude to globalisation and related Freidmanite tendencies) filled with the rabble rousing, hate mongering politicians of the previous generation and their proteges who have taken the baton from their tainted mentors.

In fact, our polity is so infested with so much rot and taint that its amazing how we have come to associate the traditional swadeshi Khadi apparel, once a mark of self sacrifice and nationalism with such suspicion. In fact, the traditional image of the quintessential opportunist 'netha' is rather easy to draw a caricature of once you get the white khadi kurta/mundu/veshti right.

If you don't believe me, take a look at this [courtesy: shashitharoor.in ]:
Now, just think about how our zeitgeist has changed over the past 60 years. Atleast as far as I am concerned, while there is nothing to suggest any cause for concern, just striking that pose makes him look a lot less the image of integrity that was the former UN Under-Secretary General.

I bet Shashi must have been exasperated trying to convince his Campaign Manager:

ST: Mundu and Veshti? You sure about this?
CM: Yes Saar. Veery soore.
ST: Don't you think I'd go down better in a suit?
CM: Saare, we vaant you to come up... not go down.
ST: Er... no. I meant, I'd look better in my traditional tweeds, won't you say?
CM: Say vaat saare? Vaat should I not(e) say?
ST: Oh, forget it! So what, you just take a close up?
CM: No saare. We take full bo(e)dy.
ST: Well, if you are going to put me on one of those imperial looking thrones and ask me to carry a mace or sword or something, you can forget it.
CM: Oh... but we had a veeerrry nice Simhasanam ready, saare.
ST: !
CM: Sir, you will look veerry good on the Simhasanam saar.
ST: There is no way I am gonna do that. Forget it. I am putting my foot down.
CM: Yes saare. No pro(e)blem. Foot on flo(e)r only. Sit on simhaasanam.

After all the haggling, when the campaign manager relented and asked him to strike just strike that pose, he must have done it in a jiffy, to escape the 'Simhaasanam' on the way. (For the non-malayalee readers, simhasanam is, well, "one of those imperial looking thrones".)

I bet Sashi left long before he heard what else his campaign manager had composed for him. You really wanna hear it even if you don't understand malayalam. Believe me!

Machiavellian Humility

2009-05-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't read any Machiaveli but apparently he wrote, "In life, leave atleast 50% to chance, the rest, is cunning." Now, what is embarassing is probably the fact that it is so utterly correct. To be called machiavellian is not something that one would look favourably upon, but I must say, that aforementioned statement is jarring only because of how brutally honest it is.

Compare this to the typical businessman, politician or actor who attributes most of his success to "hard work" and "god's grace". While we are wont to associate a person who, on having achieved some success in his/her profession, by some measure in comparision to his peers, attributes all of it to God, with the attribute of humility.

What is also implied in this admission, is the hidden proclamation that god "chose" them. Attributing it to chance would mean that they were just lucky, it might just as likely been you standing there instead of them... but attributing it to God, now, that shows that they must be deserving of that in some manner. For as you have heard so many times before, "god does not play dice." This would then suggest that these people have something that distinguishes them from the rest of us lesser beings - some measure of virtue or character that leads God to fawn on them, rather than us.

Now compare this to successful 'Machiavellian', who says, "Half of it was just dumb luck."

Personally, I'd choose Machiavellian humility over the godly version anyday, won't you?

ETs and Blaming it all on Religion

2009-05-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

Do you belive in UFOs? Extra-terretrials and all that sorta stuff? You don't? Well, I am an agnost when it comes to belief in ETs. I am an atheist when it comes to belief in a God but an agnost when as regards ETs; one has to admit that ETs are infinitely more plausible than God.

However, you must have noticed how you are more likely to be thought out of your mind if you believe in ETs rather than if you believed in God. I can't say it better than George Carlin does in his book, 'When will Jesus bring the Pork Chops?' where he marvels at this paradox where we are willing to believe in virgin births, resurrections, angels, demons and talking snakes while at the same time we think that anyone who thinks that there could be intelligent life out there amongst the billions of stars, several of them with a reasonable chance of having orbiting planets similar to our own capable of nurturing life, is positively cuckoo. However I go a little further than Carlin, I have a theory as to why this may be.

Let's think this through. Why wouldn't an ET life-form capable of inter-stellar travel (or capable of the deception that it must have taken for them to elude detection in this solar system itself, right under our noses) choose not to make open diplomatic, or worse, belligerent contact with the human race which they must have by now recognised as being capable of significant intelligent self-determination (well, atleast some of us, some of the time). Clearly they must be technologically superior to us, so it cannot be for any fear of our technological might.

It could be something like in Star Trek, where other 'Warp-Drive' capable species make contact with other civilizations only after they become warp capable themselves, so as not to artificially distort the intellectual development of the species. Well, that would be a noble thing to do. Yet, applying yardsticks derived from our own history, I don't consider that a good enough reason. Come on, the Spaniards, didn't just arrive in America and lay wait hiding in the bushes, twiddling thumbs till the Injuns managed to work out gunpowder for themselves. No, they just unloaded the barrels of gunpowder they had in the holds of their ship and blew the Injuns to smithereens. Ofcourse, one must mention that they did try to baptise as many Injuns as possible before they blew their brains out, but there were only so many Injuns willing to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and saviour who will deliver their souls that were just about to be dispatched from their bodies unto him, in a few seconds. No, on prelimnary analysis, there doesn't seem to be reason enough for not making contact.

On the other hand, lets look at reasons that are compellingly in favour of making contact.
a) In quest of adventure and knowledge that is sure to come from such an exchange.
b) The access to some of the resources on the planet, even if it be through conquest.

These are no brainers. If we came across a technologically inferior civilization sitting on top of something economically useful to us, we'll just take it by force. That's what we have been doing since time immemorial. That's what we still do (think Iraq). Its probably the strongest motivational force driving such expeditions.

Yet why is it that the ETs only choose to reveal themselves in rare and priveleged encounters to John Lennon (taking care to wait till he was high before showing up)? Why wouldn't they just advertise their coming for all to see. Well, again, history may offer us a clue here.

There was a third motivational force "to seek out new life and new civilizations" that our ancestors (and Star Trek buffs) were quite taken with.

3) A drive to spread the word of Our Lord, the one True God to the savages.

Hm...well, I don't see too many ET funded missions to whatever deity it is that they worship. Interesting. This possibly means one of two things:

a) They don't have any idea about religion. They are quite perplexed by the phenomenon that is religion that is prevalent among the humans they are trying to understand and are thus apprehensive of somehow infecting themselves by open contact with us.

b) They do have religious ideas of their own but find the ones prevalent in our lands more compelling. Thus they are afraid that their religions may be swept away and replaced by our own.

In effect, both the above points can be combined into one: Fear of our 'earthly' God!

However, we are again missing the glaringly obvious possibility. Lets say that one fine day, the President of the United States is visited by an ET from galaxy far-far away from a species that doesn't have any seminal idea of God, hails from an egalitarian society built on simple, rational laws free from the excesses that religion forces on it. A society of free thinkers and innovators who won't go about toiling in a mundane, boring and gruelling work regime under exploitative super rich elite who work them and give little back in return for the services rendered, on the hope that there is a better, eternal afterlife that awaits them provided they suffer in obedience and virtue. A world without neocons, theocons, Republicans, saffron brigades, moral police,evangelicals, missionaries, Taliban and Freidmanites. A society that would be demonstrative of everything against what the fabric of human civilization on earth is built on and yet is the one capable of interstellar travel. A truly superior working model of civilization.

Come on! How many ways would you react if you were a conservative, God fearing, gun-toting, homophobic, capitalist President? How would you react if you were an Ayotollah, a Taliban supremo or Jerry Fallwell ( or Pat Robertson)?

Thus, the net inference is that religion and its figureheads are most likely the ones keeping us from meeting our visitors from beyond.

Freemarket Ideas for better AV Stimulation

2009-04-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

I think India has the largest number of beautiful women who cannot act, if their lives depend on it (their career's don't, not in India, not in Bollywood). We also have the worst porn, most of it from the murky underground. This seeming artificial disconnect is because of the 'distortion' as the Friedmanites say, caused by Government interference in the entertainment industry.

What we need is a drastic revitalisation of both these things. The one stop solution is to legalize porn... in other words, free the market. That way, we won't be going to movies sans storylines just to get that teaser of a hormone rush that a steamy duet in the rain offers. What's better, the gorgeous ones who cannot act will go do porn, for that will be their only recourse. In one sweep, we'll have better storylines in our movies, as well as better porn.

My Vodafone - Friend, Philosopher, Guide

2009-04-16T07:15:00.001-07:00

Its amazing how you find people who turn out to be that father figure and guiding light in your life. For most of us you need to go out there and find one for yourself. For some of us, a fatherfigure is always at hand offering succinctly worded wisps of wisdom now and then. For Vodafone users ofcourse, advice is only a message away; a portable, on-demand, 3 bucks per message, Friend, Philosopher, Guide, Astrologer... and quite a bit more that you'd never realise if you were one of those who delete these messages as soon as you see the sender's name.

Sometimes, there are sources of joy in our lives which remain hidden to us. You need a wise person to point it out to you. For eg. wouldn't you be positively thrilled if you knew that your zodiac foretells of an imminent meeting with a vivacious young maiden within the next month. Wait, it gets better. Clearly you must be wondering what to do in the meantime. Well, VT-VODAFONE has answers to that too. It acts a carry-in-your pocket pimp always eager to let you get in touch with 'girls in your neighbourhood.' Well, either that or its probably try to do what those online marriage brokering sites do.

So, now that you are hooked up (one way or another) with a 'pretty maiden' (well, not so sure about the 'maiden' part, strictly speaking), Vodafone even tells you how to pick the best of the many maidens who'll come your way. Afterall, you definitely need to brace yourself for many more than one, what with the several times it is predicted by your zodiac (I get
three everyday, boy, next month's gonna be busy).

For eg. based on the numerological significance of the arrangement of letters in my name, V-VT tells me that I am most likely to be happy if I marry someone 'vivacious and full of zest', one who can 'share my joy for living it up'. See, why I trust V-VT so much is because of the fact that it(?) is able to see my real personality, of how, even though I appear content doing a mind numbing 8-6, on the inside, I really want to 'live it up' (though I haven't really thought about how; must make a note to ask V-VT).

Its V-VT that helped me discover my real character. For instance, I never knew I had an 'innate ability to connect with people'. Forget the fact that on any given day my interaction with anybody would be confined to no more than 15 syllables or so; what matters is the potential: that I can connect if I try. Another thing I didn't know about my own character was that I was a very caring person.

Apparently, because of this inherent character, I love animals and children. Now, I don't have any kids (to the best of my knowledge) and the only significant thought I have given any animals were when they came served on a plate. However, its good to rediscover oneself. Coming to think of it, maybe I do like children (and V-VT is already trying to help me make
some) and as far as my love for animals go, I am now considering quitting my job and setting up a poultry. That way, I get to give animals my attention well before they end up on my plate.

V-VT always puts a smile on my face at the end of a long day with one of 'em, "Your motha's sooo fat that ..." jokes. It helps me plan for the weekend movie by delivering the best snaps of the women starring in it. It helps me find out cool facts about the world that I never knew, like the fact that reindeer is a delicacy in Sweden (Does Santa know?). And I never start a day without one of those thought provoking messages that VT sends me, "If you think you can't, you can't."

What would I do without my Vodafone-VT? Have you noticed how persistent VT is? Do you realise how desperately VT wants to help? If you don't have someone you can look upto and turn to for help when you so need it, look no further. Just stop deleting those messages that VT sends you. Let them in and watch your life transform.

All in a Year's Work

2009-04-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

One knows he/she is doing a challenging engineering job when any of the
following exchanges or the like occur at your workplace:

1)

One: Er..sir. I think these prints are all wrong. The plans of the old plant are all fuzzy and unreadable.

Sir: Yes, I know. You did requisition a magnifying lens with your stationary right? No? Ok, use mine for the time being.

2)

Sir: So these thickness calculations have been done using a spreadsheet. We need to manually validate it.

One: So, we take random values from the 367 calculations and check it?

Sir: Random? No. We sequentially iterate through all the 367 entries.

One: !

3)

One: Sir, these material test certificates don't seem to be in English.

Sir: Yeah? Lemme see...hm...oh wait. Its here. See, right here, after the Spanish entry...nope, sorry, thats not English, 'materialo'...must be Italian. Now, whats Garantito Della resilienza...

One: (To Oneself) Sounds like a disease.

Sir: Alright.Use the other certificates that have English entries to cross reference as to what language the fields are in and then use Google Translate to find out what they mean. Wait...how do we enter Chinese characters?..hm...

4)

Sir 1: Apparently Joe didn't use the 2004 edition of the BPV code in the design. He used the 2002 edition...you know, the one that doesnt take into account the HIC requirement.

Sir 2: Oh my! Did they commision the thing with that?

Sir 1: Yup, you can imagine what happened...

Sir 2: Kaboom, huh?

Sir 1: Damn right! Big, bada boom. 6 people died.

Sir 2: What about Joe? He's in the Hong Kong office right?

Sir 1: Not any more. Apprently he is being extradited to Saudi Arabia for a public beheading.

5)

Sir 1: YOU DID WHAT??!!!

One: Sir, I just rounded the value off to the first decimal. I thought the material grade might still be right.

Sir 1: YOU ROUNDED IT OFF? WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO ROUND OFF ANYTHING?

One: Well, sir..I had to 367 manual calculations and using 4 significant places of decimal is kinda cumbersome...so...

Sir 1: WHAT THE HELL DOES "KINDA CUMBERSOME" HAVE TO DO WITH ROUNDING OFF?

6)

HR Manager: You must have all heard of Joe's beheading. He was a good man, a responsible and caring father and husband to his family, though apparently, not as good an engineer. Nevertheless, he will be missed. Lets observe a minute's silence in honour of his memory.

(30 seconds later)

HR Manager: Thank you all. The Manager of Engineering Operations will now address you.

The Manager of Engineering Operations: Er..I have come to understand that apart from poor dead Joe, we may have a few more...how shall I put it... Here's the thing...most of those engineers involved in the design of the unit that exploded might have to visit Saudi Arabia of their own volition or choose instead to be extradited there against their will. Ofcourse, you can instead flee to a country that does not have an extradition treaty with Saudi Arabia but that would mean you'll be a fugitive from the law of this country and worse, lose your employment at this firm.

If you instead choose to stay in this firm and face trial in Saudi Arabia, and if found guilty of manslaughter by negligence, you may, at worst be sentenced to something along the lines of mutilation of your limbs or at best a few lashings. In any case, the company's lawyers assure us that there will most
probably be no more beheadings and this gives us great confidence, as it should to you, what with our lawyers being the most competent Corporate lawyers in the business albeit quite capable of dealing with criminal issues of this nature. Should you be interested in engaging them to represent you the law firm will be glad to offer all of you a group discount for their services, in light of the long association with our company.

So, the good news is that almost certainly none of you will die. Some may be mutilated and some grievously injured, but at the end of it all, you'll all be, quite alive. And here's the best part...you may even get to keep this job. Lets not get our hopes up. Management is still working hard on this decision but we are sure it will decide in your favour. Can't be too sure about the Saudi courts though, so all the best!

7)

One: Sir, do you believe in God?

Sir: Nope. I believe in the Force.

One: The force?

Sir: Yup, the cosmic force that keeps the boilers I design intact despite the multitude of roundoff errors that you put into 'em.

One: Hm...Joe must have fallen out of favour with the Force, huh?

Sir: Nonsense. The dark side got to his boiler.

8)

Manager 1: Project Control tells us that ever since the Saudi Boiler trouble, productivity has doubled.

Manager 2: How's that?

Manager 1: Apparently, all the slacking supervisors now want to be the ones originating the designs. Before the incident they used to idle away, signing only the check print, leaving all the drudgery of the first draft to the hapless trainees.

Manager 2: Really?

Manager 1: Apparently, the engineers who originate the document only get 50 lashings if the stuff they design blows up according to Saudi law. Its the engineers who attest it as having been checked who have their limbs handed to them.

Pimsleur Arabic

2009-01-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to learn Arabic off the 'Pimsleur Arabic' audio lessons. I highly recommend it, atleast for a few good laughs.

What struck me as funny as soon as I started the lesson was the first sentence that Pimsleur's wanted to drive into its audience clearly...how to say, "I am not an American" as articulately as possible.

"Ana muu Ameriki. Ana Englizi"

The Pimsleur people must have been thinking, look, if someone's gonna pick this course up, its probably gonna be the Yanks now drilling out as much oil as possible before Muqtada gets to the oil wells. And if an American picks up a book wanting to learn Arabic, with the intention of using it anywhere in Arab land, the most important sentence he'll probably have to use is, "Ana muu Ameriki." The latter part, "Ana Englizi" ("I am English") was probably added as an afterthought, to allay any lingering suspicions that an Arab may have after being told the former (come on, Arabs are smart. A damned blue eyed blonde guy walking around in Baghdad certainly couldn't have come from Morocco now, could he?).

I am into lesson four right now and I don't seem to be making much headway besides learning how to vehemently deny having anything to do with America or American foreign policy, in Arabic. I seem to be hearing "Ana muu Ameriki" in my sleep now.

Whats also tickles me is the way they teach you to ask questions in Arabic. The instructions go something like this:

Narrator: This is how you say, "You are a Syrian" to a woman.
Male Arabic speaker: Ente Suriye.
Narrator: Now say, "You are a Syrian," to a woman.
Male Arabic speaker: Ente Suriye.
(Repeats 15 times)

Narrator: This is how you ask a woman, "Are you Syrian?"
Male Arabic Speaker: Ente Suriye?
Narrator: Note that unlike in English, you don't say, "are you" to ask
the question. You merely change the tone of voice to indicate that
you're asking a question.
Male Arabic Speaker: Ente Suriye?
(Repeats till I fall asleep)

Ofcourse, I understand the informed decision to teach prospective American students how to ask the other person if he was a Syrian before embarking on a conversation (what with the strained relations between the Syrians and the Americans). However, there must be some better way of asking a person a question rather than using histrionics, right?

Spare a thought for the CIA guys who may wanna use this course in Guatanamo bay.

CIA interrogator 1: Ente Terroristi.
Arab Terror Suspect: (blank stare)
CIA Interrogator 2: Come on Jack, get the tone right. You don't wanna sound as if you're askin him something. You need to sound more forceful! A more accusative tone!
CIA interrogator 1: Ente Terroristi!
Arab Terror Suspect:(in Arabic) Can I please have some water?
CIA Interrogator 2: Attaboy Jack! He confessed. Let's waterboard him now to see what else he has to say.

A Vulnerability Study

2009-01-05T06:53:00.000-08:00

No one makes light of these things but I couldn’t resist. India is probably the most vulnerable nation once an explosive goes off. Note the stress on the necessity of the precondition that an explosive needs to have gone off before the following predictions come into play.

This is primarily because of the fact that the Indian psyche doesn’t reflexively suggest evasive action as soon as the sound of gunshots or explosives going off is heard, in stark contrast to the Western psyche that prompts the subject to duck at the mere suggestion of an explosion.

This propensity that Indians share can attributed to the difference in the thoughts that loud bangs trigger in Indians as compared to their Western counterparts:



  Indians                                The West

 (Loud series of bangs)                       (Bang)
    |                                                          |
    Diwali? No...                                OMG! Its a Bomb!
          |                                                                 |
          Did we win a Cricket match?          Take cover!
                      |                                                         |
                Some damned political rally?         We are all going to die!
                            |                                                         |
                      We won a cricket match!?            What if it was tipped with a biological warhead?!!
                                  |                                                           |
                              (if in Chennai) Death procession?   Will I inhale less toxins if inside my car?
                                        |                                                           |
                               Where are all these people running?    Wait! Call 911!
                                              |                                                            |
                                  Is that guy carrying a gun?                 Why is my car's tire flat?
                                                    |                                                            |
                                        OMG! A terrorist! Run!                      Damn! Its just the tire!

This is why I like New Year's day. Its probably the one day where the West is as vulnerible after an explosion or after the gunfire starts as we in India are. Everybody thinks its the fireworks. In fact, we are a little safer in India. I mean, how many New Year firecracker extravaganza's do we see in India anyway? The difference in reception to fireworks in the Indian psyche as opposed to the Western may be summed up as:


 India                                        The West

 (Fireworks go off!)                                (Fireworks go off!)
    |                                                                      |
   Jesus! Who's payin for all this?                       Awesome!

Baba Yetu!

2008-12-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

As an atheist I am always open to religious music that sounds good. Yet, often some of the most awful music sells only because it is religious. Then there is the religious music, which is so truly beautiful, that I can quite empathize with those among the faithful engaged in its trance; those, who wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.

Today I had a different experience. I came across this track, 'Baba Yetu' by Christopher Tin (You can stream it from Tin's samples page, first track). I heard it first as Civilization 4's theme, and have loved it ever since. The lyrics seemed like something in an Afrikaan's dialect and the vocals were hauntingly beautiful. Today, I thought I'd dig up some info on the composer and the song's lyrics.
While I assumed it to be a song that was supposed to mean something profound, I wanted to find out what these lyrics actually meant:

Baba yetu, yetu uliye
Mbinguni yetu, yetu, amina!
Baba yetu, yetu, uliye
Jina lako litukuzwe.

Utupe leo chakula chetu
Tunachohitaji utusamehe
Makosa yetu, hey!
Kama nasi tunavyowasamehe
Waliotukosea usitutie
Katika majaribu, lakini
Utuokoe, na yule, milelea milele!

Ufalme wako ufike utakalo
Lifanyike duniani kama mbinguni. (Amina)

Utupe leo chakula chetu
Tunachohitaji utusamehe
Makosa yetu, hey!
Kama nasi tunavyowasamehe
Waliotukosea usitutie
Katika majaribu, lakini
Utuokoe, na yule, simama mwehu

Baba yetu, yetu, uliye
Jina lako litukuzwe.

And my! What a revelation, it was. I was in for a shock as I found the translation from here.

Its one thing for an atheist listening to music forewarned of its religious underpinnings. Its quite another for him to love a piece of music so much and listen to it enough number of times to memorise its lyrics, only to realise that all this time, as he was singing along, he was chanting, oh horror, 'the Lord's' prayer!

I don't think I'd go so far as to call this a spiritual experience, but it was certainly a humbling one. I love this song even more for it.

Then again, I found that the Church choirs were quick to start using this beautiful song to 'draw more of their lost sheep back into their fold'. Music is probably the most enchanting tool that religion uses to have its way. Of course, when that fails, there are always the suicide bombers and the Republicans.

Trial by Media, Trial by Court

2008-12-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."

-Benjamin Franklin(1706-1790)

Its not like me to post matters that aren't frivolous on this blog. Yet, I can't help myself from saying what I see as hilarious in this whole episode of what is called a 'debate' over whether to represent the surviving terrorist involved in the Mumbai terror strikes. Hilarious, but more than a little frightening.

Firstly, let me start off by talking about the naive media we have in our country. Just when I was beginning to think that we have a fair and balanced press in our country, I see these stories aired, calling the whole affair a 'raging debate' and under captions of 'Duty Vs Concience'. The Fourth Estate is often the reflection of public sentiment. From this case, I see that sometimes it ought to correct the popular (if that) opinion too, for, the right answer is not always a matter of popular choice. The media should have rubbished these views outright as they were quick to do on many other occasions rather than playing to the gallery and fanning these irrational sentiments that they helped more than a little to fan in the first place.

Secondly, I see that even organisations which would have been expected to behave more responsibly in such a situation are losing their wits. For eg, the Esplanade Court Bar Association has passed a resolution saying that none of their members will defend the terrorist. These are people who are entrusted with the moral responsibility of ensuring that when all odds are against him/her, the law will stand four square behind the righteous. These are the people who I am supposed to go to for help when the Government frames me as a terrorist just because I choose to criticize their policies.

Thirdly, most people in India don't even realise why this is such a big deal. Test the public opinion and you'll find an overwhelming response in favour of sending the bastard to the gallows without further ado. Small wonder then, that Shiv Sena, Navnirman Sena and all the other *Sena (who were conspicuously missing from the scene when the real Sena, the Indian Army was going about its job during the terror strike) were back on the streets in full strength pelting stones at a lawyer who offered to discharge a constitutional responsibility that all his co-evals couldn't deign doing.

And its all these things, that frighten me.

So why is this such a big deal to me?

What prevents this from setting a precedent where the powers that be, on another day, hang a political opponent without trial? It was in the not so distant past that politicians sought to settle scores by misusing the POTA. This case, if Kasav is not defended will give them a frightening carte blanche.
I thought I lived in a democracy. I see it turning into a mob-ocracy where you don't need to go to the courts anymore. You only seem to need to visit the Shiv Sena/Navnirman Sena head office with a generous donation to have your way.
If we send a man to the gallows without a trial, then what would be the difference between us and the Islamofascists who brought this upon us?

If you think that I am riding the moral high horse here, completely out of touch with the brutal reality, think again. Could it be that it is your feigned morality that makes you think that legal defense of an accused, no matter how heinous the crime, can be disposed of with in this case.

I agree with us hanging the bastard. Let's just see if he has something to say for himself before we do. Thats what makes us, human, far greater than this monster who did not give that opportunity to those he shot dead without any qualms.

More than anything, try him, for its not in his best interests that we give him a trial. Its in ours.

Monte-[Person of African American Descent] Domains for Sale

2008-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

I coudn't believe it when I saw it, but there is a .me domain out there! A .me domain! I was rolling my eyes at how narcissistic people can get, until I did some research...

Apparently it was the domain assigned to Monte-[African American or person of Black African descent]....being (very) politically correct, what with Obama winning the elections today.

Apparenltly there were quite a few enterprising people who jumped onto the .me bandwagon. Apprently there was a rush to grab the domains:

insure.me
love.me
date.me
buy.me

Yup, I did check...you're going to have to pay through your nose for screw.me or f***.me too.

Wait...you haven't heard it all. Do you know what was the previous CCTLD assigned to Monte-[African American] when it was still part of Serbia and Montenegro?

I shit .YU not! Check it out for .yu-rselves.

With a God like this who needs Terrorists?

2008-08-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

Bertrand Russell said that the more we try to underplay the role of religion in our lives, the stronger influence it brings to bear on them. So I can hope to shut my eyes off to all the mindless violence that is perpetrated in the name of religion, but only at the cost having the revulsion at all of it build slowly in my system. So, I am letting the bile out.

It is now common knowledge that the plethora of bombings in India (which by the way, also has a strong religious undercurrent to it, but I can appreciate the larger secessionist tendencies at play) did not claim anywhere near the number of lives as the stampede at the Naina Devi Temple. The death toll in that single accident is kinda larger than all the bombings put together. Some God that!

Oh, the Jihadis have nothing to jeer about either. Mecca claims a hearty share of its own victims every year during the 'Stoning the Satan' Ritual. Oh...did I mention the rather routine stampede at Sabarimala? There's a joke out there, about the itenary of events on that special day of Makara Sankranthi every year. Ask a 'Devasvom' Board official and he'll tell you this: First the pooja, then a small stampede, then camphor is secretly lit in the hills, then the massive stampede. Casualities vary from a dozen to a few hundreds.

Jeez...the Jihadis oughta let the saffron brigade construct the damn Ayodhya temple, sit back and twiddle thumbs. Lord Ram would work much better than any of their ammonium nitrate.

Premium Band Names

2008-06-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

I have always been amused at the way we name some of products. Ofcourse, I am not talking about companies that name their product simply and honestly after their founders...Siyaram's, Haldiram's etc. What sets my funny bone off is some brands that try to...well...infuse a little of what they hope their brand will be, in the name. Come now, there ought to be atleast a dozen brands named Supreme Samosas in your city. Why, even Kisan (which I think is an excellent and appropriately named company), the processed foods giant, used the fact to hilarious effect in their ad. Add to this 'Best' Biscuits, 'Premier' Tea and 'Tasty' Chips, you have all that you need for a delicious evening spread.

What got me writing about it was yesterday's incident. While I was at the grocer's yesterday I couldn't help but overhear a telephonic conversation between the shopkeeper and a customer (only the shopkeeper's end ofcourse) who had called to ask for some things to be sent home as is generally the practice in such small stores. Obviously the customer wasn't a local and the shop keeper was helping her finalize the list of items to send over. This is how I imaginatively reconstructed and exaggerated the conversation to a point where its worthy to recount on this blog....

Shopkeeper: Haloe?
Madam: Hello? Ramaiah...listen I need some things.
Ramaiah: Yes mahdum...please tell...I noting
Mahdum: What sugar do you have?
Ramaiah: Best sugar madam...how many kilos?
Mahdum: Well, what brand is it?
Ramaiah: Best madam.
Mahdum: Oh well I am sure it is the best. Well anyway, I won't know one brand from the other anyway. Fine, do you have some ghee too?
Ramaiah: Yes madam...Pure ghee
Mahdum: Well I am sure it is. What brand is it?
Ramaiah: Pure Brand
Mahdum: Amul?
Ramaiah: No madam. Amul out of stock. Pure ghee.
Mahdum: So you dont have ghee?
Ramaiah: Yes maam. Having. Pure Ghee.

That went on for quite a while. Thus I came out of Prestige Stores, turned the corner at the Corner Tea shop (I ain't kidding...Corner Tea Shop,Pondy Bazaar, T.Nagar, Chennai, see for yourself) walked through the Brilliant Tutorials compound and got to my place, M.B.Flats.

Gee, when will these guys realise that Palaniappamurugaiyah Ghee sounds just as tempting as Pure Ghee.

And please...don't get me started on all those Bozos like 'M.B' who go around labeling products with their initials as if those initials couldn't stand for anything else. The practice exudes a despicable smugness, no?

Posted by R.C.B

Bollywood Directors' Muses

2008-06-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

You might have heard of how Hollywood bosses like Scorcese or Ridley Scott spend whole years pouring over books as part of their research for their next movie. Well, have you ever wondered where our Indian directors get their inspiration from? Well, I have on several occasions. Usually my head is rife with such pondering when I storm out of a movie half way.

I did some googling and here are my findings.

Karan Johar got his inspiration for 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai', a love triangle in which a little girl possessed by her dead mother's spirit urges her father to track down the retarded girl he was friends with in the old asylum where he was being treated for dementia, from a very profound literary piece. No, no...not Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Sartre...something far more profound...'Archie Double Digest'. No kidding. He admitted this in an interview for the programme, 'Bollywood Bosses' on History Channel.

Well thats all I was able to dig up to substantiate with authentic references. However I think I can reckon for myself what books some of our directors must have read for their inspiration...

Om Shanti Om ( Farah Khan )- Another horror (of a) film...horrific storyline...horrendous acting...plenty of spirits running wild as in the aforementioned movie. Inspiration: Tinkle Digest (Collector's Edition). In fact her next movie is probably inspired from the big book of Baby names that Sharukh Khan gifted her (really!) which he himself didn't bother reading. Farah Khan was raving about it, the first book she read in the last 12 years. I have a feeling that a remake of 'Amar Akbar Antony' is in the offing.

Lage Raho Munnabhai (Rajkumar Hirani) - Inspired by 'Gandhi for Kids' by Vikas Publications. I'd rather not rip on this film too much. Wasn't so bad after all.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (Karan Johar) A sob story that is second only to his best sob story...Kabhi Kush Kabhi Gham. Inspiration: Onions by Glover Brian (apparently Karan Johar trying to don the intellectual hat after all the 'reads-only-comics' accusations levelled at him. Refer above passages.)

Krish (Rakesh Roshan) Inspiration: Chacha Choudhary Comics....that wasn't too hard to guess right, though one would think the Phantom series to be a likely contender too. Yet Rakesh Roshan clears it with his emphatic 'Indian Hero' harp.

The Things they Teach our Kids!

2008-05-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

How can you not be appalled at the fact that the media teaches our kids to run away from confronting their fears, dumbing them into a life of perpetual wuss-ery.

I mean, how can you sit back and take it when 4 out of 5 kids (of a sample set of 5 kids) claim to like a character on a popular show who keeps running away as fast as he possibly can rather than standing and facing his fears. His apology...he's really good at running away...so why not? When you can run as fast as that, it'd be suicidal not to.

On the other hand, the kids boo another character who is as tenacious as they come, never gives up chasing his elusive goal, never tires from the sheer effort he needs to put into it, he manages to live despite a series of potentially fatal accidents whilst chasing his dream, has complete mastery over a series of sophisticated gadgets that help him in his quest and is in my opinion, simply heroic.

Is it just our kids or just me? If its just me, then did the media get to our generation too? Come on...you'd root for the Coyote over the Road Runner anyday, right?

Arranged Marriages - The Greatest of 'em 'Common Minimum Programmes'

2008-05-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

So it is yesterday's news that the UPA government is headed to what could be their worst rout in the coming elections since...well...the last time they got routed. The government in a last ditch attempt has released a "report card" highlighting the few of its promises that it has kept.

I assure you that this blog is not going to suddenly start taking itself seriously. The only reason I brought that up was because I wanted to bring the reader's notice to a much more successful common minimum programme that India has seen since yore - arranged marriages.

Apparently, the origins of the practice seem to have their roots in the ancient farms of the Indus Valley. Right after the Harappans discovered that cattle could be rather useful animals if domesticated they realised that strength, longevity and milk yields could be increased even further by selective breeding, i.e. mating the most healthy bull or one with the most desirable characteristics with the choicest cow. So cows from distant farms used to be brought to the home farm, put in the same pen with the respectively chosen bulls, and nature was allowed to take its course.

The intuitive engineers that Indians are, we naturally applied the same rule into practice among the citizenry to take advantage of its inherent blessings. Historians often argue about the impact of such a practice claiming that if the above rule were indeed effective we would have ended upa people that is disproportionately more good looking than another, or physically agile or one or so of the various desirable characteristics. We know ofcourse that we are none of the above.

Of course, that was not to be, since the alliances usually drawn out were between the bridegroom who was rich with a bride who was richer. The ill effects of the system were obvious. The most beautiful brides were marked for the highest bidders, usually fat and ugly heirs to a rich estate. Well built men seemed to have an uncanny knack of being born poor. Thus they had to settle for whatever was on offer after the rich had their fill.

Interestingly most countries, for some mysterious reason called "becoming more civilized" have done away with the above mentioned practices, save in ours. Now, lets not be hasty...history has seen and continues to record accounts of 'marriages of convenience', which have often lead to long lasting alliances between two nations who may have otherwise annihilated each other. Yet, nowhere in the world has arranged marriages become the rule rather than the exception. Even today, its a matter of pride for the parents to say something along the lines of, "What will he say? He's my son. If I point to a donkey there and tell him it is the bride, he'll merely ask for its name. No, no, no....there is no need to ask him. You can agree to our other terms, no?"

Today ofcourse, we defend this tradition as an integral part of the large package of 'Indian values' that all and sundry start rattling their sabres to defend at the mere suggestion of a slight. The age old custom has adapted and changed, marrying (pun intended) the latest innovations in technology too. I mean, how else would you explain the plethora of 'Matrimony Sites' on the internet who put up ads like...

Looking at ads like the above one struggles to comprehend an uncanny combination of the facts at hand that just don't seem to add up -

These girls are hot!
They dont have boyfriends already?
They are from the metros.
There is no short supply of eligible bachelors who'd drool at these girls.
These girls seem to want to marry someone only after they see their bio data?
They'd rather spend their life with a beefed up bio data than a real person.
These girls are gorgeous!
Why aren't they with someone already?
How come these girls are following me to any city I go?

However, why do I choose to call arranged marriages a common minimum programme? When you think about it, the reason for our burgeoning population is due to the fact that the book if Indian values dictates that everyone has to marry and raise offsprings. Everyone. Now, I find it almost inconceivable that every man in this country left to his own devices is capable of wooing a woman. That just isn't statistically feasible. I mean, there surely are more incompetent men incapable of stringing four sentences together when talking to a woman out there than those who can right?

Hence, if our nation can indeed provide for all the introverts and incompetent nincompoops, we owe it all to the great common minimum programme where our parents will find us a bride come what may. Heck, I bet one of those nincompoops is preparing his bio data for that damned matrimony site as we speak.

The Seven Wonder Balderdash

2007-08-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is a post I composed a long while back but forgot to post. This might seem like yesterdays news but then those who know me will know that I like to let the wine ferment before pronouncing my judgement upon it; so I waited for the whole frenzy to die down before I blogged on this. I told my friends that the whole thing was a sham. Now, the experts agree with me. Well, this is an I-told-You-So-Follow-Up to the entire affair.

Well, most of you might have read a lot about the much hyped "New Seven Wonders of the World". What I also hope you read were the honest criticisms of the sham that it was. The Hindu carried a piece on it that in their Sunday Magazine that I particularly enjoyed.

Whats really funny is that such a significant part of the world were the unwilling victims of one of the most elaborate money making scams in history. Lets even forget for a minute that there wasnt really a need for the seven new wonders when we were perfectly happy with the old ones given to us by some of the greatest historians ever, namely, the Antipater of Sidon, Philo of Byzantium, Strabo, Herodotus, and Diodoros of Sicily. If you actually browse through any of the above links you'll discover that if you went to the lengths that these men did to visit all the seven wonders and prepare the list after such an erudite study, you'd actually know what you're talking about. Lets even set aside for a minute that the the "new" lists may suffer from some glaring errors of omission, No, thats not really what I seem to be perturbed by. What really amuses me is: HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THIS BE A MATTER OF POPULAR CHOICE?

There are some things in the world that is a matter of popular choice. In our country we have our own "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" contest held once every five years, the winners of which are selected democratically. Only here, we like to call it the Lok Sabha Elections. Then there are some things that are not. For eg. one bright politician in Tamil Nadu demanded that Tamil Nadu, "being one of the foremost contributors to the robust economy of this country," deserves to have a launch pad of its own, as the one in Sriharikota, and he decided to floor a bill to that effect. A preliminary voice vote to that effect was to take place. "It will be passed with overwhelming majority," he averred. A vexed ISRO chairman had to send a small delegation of scientists armed with toy rockets and table mounted globes to explain to the numbskull that the damn satellite won't go into orbit, no matter how many of his fellow nitwits in the parliament agreed with him.

Yet its an interesting exercise, albeit in vain. I mean if the whole process were completely democratic, the things that Indians will vote to being in the seven wonders may be:

Mallika Sherawat's you-know-what.
The number of permutations and combinations that Bollywood manages with love triangles.
How come we produce more engineers than cars every year (get it? cars - engines-eers)
Why they don't put a protective glass in front of the Speaker in Parliament despite all the vases/chairs/pens/books flying around.
How we manage to win wars against Pakistan and yet lose territory everytime (love their musicians though).
The women Salman Rushdie manages to get.

6.5 How come this blog doesn't provoke anyone enough to leave a comment.
7. How Harbhajan Singh is censured for giving Sreesanth what was long coming to him.

Bush's Brain

2007-08-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

I don't read Times of India. I recommend that you don't either. Its the largest selling daily in India but thats only because they are the most voyeuristic nespaper in the whole of the subcontinent. The only reason you might want to read it, no, rather, the only reason for getting a copy is to 'look' at it, not read it.

Despite that, they manage to serendipitously come up with some howlers that actually seem to pass off looking clever. Yesterday, for example the story of Karl Rove, the think- tank of the Bush administration resigning was passed off under the heading - "Bush's Brain Resigns."

I was thinking exactly what you are now. Didn't that happen a long time ago?

Holy Crap!

2007-07-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

A couple of daysd back Associated Press carried a news article that reported a most curious event. The news article that may be found here talked about huge chunks of ice that fell from the sky onto a neighbourhood in Iowa. Curious as the occurence was, there was something else in the article that was really news to me. According to the article, one explanation for the phenomenon was, "...occasionally, aircraft latrines discharge contents at altitude, resulting in chunks of descending ice."
!
!
!
"Holy Crap!" I exclaimed.
"Quite literally," retorted one of my friends Abhilash laughing. Then he added, "And I was happy that cows didn't fly."

"I have heard of icing on the cake but this is ridiculous!" roared Raghuram.

I was reminded of a few more phrases that I found rather funny when read in conjunction with the above article. Use your imagination to replace the appropriate words in the quotes below with one that adequately describes "discharge from Airplane latrines." :

1. Portia's quality of mercy speech, Merchant of Venice, "...and it droppeth like a gentle rain from heaven..."

2. Biblical Reference: EXODUS "Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will vain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law or no (16:4). And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground (16: 14). And when the children of Israel saw if, they said one to another It is manna: for they wist not what it was. And Moses said unto them, This is the bread which the Lord hath given you to eat."

3. The hit song by the band named 'Weathergirls' - "Its raining men, Hallelujah! Its raining men!"

4. Just a word that came to my mind ****Storm. (Hint: I wasn't thinking of Crabstorm)

5. Finally something from the news article itself: "It was pure white," he said. "The main parts I picked up were very smooth."

So the next time you tell your kid that ice is pure and hence edible, well, hopefully you aren't on a busy air-route.

On Broken Bones and Coffee Mugs

2007-07-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a remarkable day. Remarkable for the comedy of errors that was staged yesterday. First, my friend hurts himself in a prank that was so ridiculous that he started laughing at himself along with the rest of us before he gingerly sat down on the pavement and informed us timidly that he was feeling giddy. We rushed him to the hospital to ensure that no bones were broken. None were. Everything turned out well for us to laugh about it with him at the end of the day.

Yet, yours truly had to do something to steal his thunder. After seeing the hospital affair through, I trudged through the rains to get to an Archie's gallery to get a coffee mug for myself. Its not everyday that I manage to force myself to haul ass to city (25 km from Institute). Honestly, I don't think I have taken this long to select anything for myself. I have on several occassions shocked my comapanions while selecting clothes. I walk into an apparel store and walk out of it in 15 minutes flat. Well, there is ofcourse the occasional delay often involving a pretty sales girl.

Yet this time, I wanted to pick something that would bring out my character, for I was told that that was what coffee mugs were for. If that were true, I should imagine that the world is filled with quite a few quirky characters indeed. What sort of Micky Mouse would buy a mug that says, "I'm all Man and I love Pink" or one that says, "Remember, I make much better coffee than your Ex". I wanted something more macho, you know something that reflects the real man in me. So I got myself this mug that says, "B" in huge font. It then goes on to add that people's whose names start with B are "beautiful, buoyant, brilliant and love butterflies." That had me written all over it so I got it.

Ofcourse I couldn't help but show all my friends my new mug. Some thought it was a little too blue. ThenI walked into the room of K. Venkatesh who blogs under the pseudonym Kevin Katesh. Anyway, he offered me Pringles, Cheddar Cheese flavour. Let's just say that I accepted it with both my hands which until then were engaged in holding the polythene bag that contained my pretty mug.

I guess my cup is 'B'roken. It did bring out my personality after all. B for bloody bumbling buffoon.

Hear Ye! A Prophet Speaks.

2007-07-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading Richard Dawkin's bestseller - 'The God Delusion'. I came across a particular point he talks about that set me thinking. He muses at the sort of reverence that even scientists give to theologians and theology as such, taking care not to tresspass on that domain which is 'outside the realm of science'.

When you think about it, you realise that a lot of people and institutions tend to handle religion with kid gloves. Why, even our constitution treads carefully when defining secularism. It is not governance and equality of all irrespective of religion. Secularism as the Indian constitution sees it, is respect for all religions. That means that while the average Babu, if he be Hindu or Christian cannot be married to two women at the same time, but if he proclaim that he'll hereafter lead his life based on the Koran, he all of a sudden is bestowed with the right to do just that. Now the more perceptive reader might scorn on the fact that I used 'his' and 'he' instead of a more appropriate gender-neutral 'his/her'. Well, thats no negligence there. You see, unless you have testicles, even one at that, you cannot have more than one spouse, even if you swear by the Koran.

Mmm...well you know what? That makes me jealous. How come Hamid out there gets to have two wives despite the fact that he has the same CGPA as I do. Not that neither of us are interested in getting into a flurry of marriages. I just like to have the option. Its not fair that the constitution allows a Muslim to do that but not a Christian or a Hindu. Now I am sounding like one of the Saffron brigade's poster-boys, right? But I am not. I have something more tasty in mind.

I have come up with an alternative. A stroke of genius that comes only now and then to remarkable men ( and history says men, strictly men; whoever heard of a female prophet?) The solution: become a prophet, harbinger of a new 'true and only path'.

Mind, this religion is not a satirical take on religion as those like 'The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster' or 'The Order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn'. Yes, I have drawn inspiration from them for sure. However, mine is a serious and clever attempt by which we can make our lives better if we live in India or any other country with a similar constitution.

I shall now list the basic tenets of my religion. These will be divided into sections. The first five are the unbreakable laws, called the four pillars. Though there are five laws they shall be referred to as four pillars by my decree. Why would any construction need more than four pillars anyway? The next set of laws are the laws that can be bent somewhat. They shall be referred to as the roof. The remaining set of laws which comprise of what shall be known as the 4 Windows and the Floor will be updated as and when required. You may count the number of sections listed to be 4 instead of 5 but that would mean that I am wrong. By the fourth pillar, that is not allowed. Therefore it is 5.

The four pillars are:

I , the one and only prophet of the Lord am the one and only prohet of the Lord and blessed be his name (my name that is).
There were no prophets before him. There will be no prophets after him.
Elizabeth Hurley is the sexiest woman who ever walked the planet.
The one prophet is always right and his favourite colour is blue.
These tenets are subject to change without prior notification. So keep checking back with the prophet's blog.

Now like any self respecting religion, ours needs to have a book. Well, I am working on it. The salient features of the book will be as follows:

All taxes are evil. No adherants may pay taxes to anyone. Adherants however may tax non-adherants.
Tee-Tottlers are strictly forbidden. They are non-adherants. They shall have no place in the abode of our Lord or for that matter in that of the prohet.
Pre-Marital Sex is an absolute must. Extra-marital sex also encouraged. The Prophet's wife is exempted from this decree.
'Hustler' and 'Playboy' are divine sacraments.
Adherants may marry as many times as they want. Female adherants may have any number of husbands too.
All non-adherants must pay a non-adherance tax to the adherants.
This tenet intentionally left blank.
No adherants may work on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday or Sunday. On these days the adherants will sit at home and spend their time reaching the Lord in any of the aforementioned ways. They recieve full salary for these days too.
They shall celebrate the 1st and the 28th of every month as the 'Day of the Prophet'. They shall also celebrate the 15 of every month as the 'Second day of the Prophet'.
In case these days happen to fall on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday or Sunday, then the subsequent day shall be celebrated as the 'Day of the prophet' instead.
Adherants shall not employ the use of capitalized 'H' whike reffering to the Lord.

The religion also needs a name. The Prophet has a name like 'Anarchy' in mind but is open to suggestions. The best suggestion will become the title of our new religion and the person who comes up with will recieve a free copy of the Prophet's book on the same.

I am sure that our judiciary and legislature will bend over and enact the necessary laws granting us privedges of the nature mentioned above. The constitution says that they should, and therefore they should.

Do we have to register a religion before it is recognised? Please send me details if you have any.

Whil in Kuwait, Do as...er...

2007-07-06T03:05:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I wouldn't even consider the prospect of putting whatever I am about to write here on a postcard and sending it to you from Kuwait. No, sir, they think 'Free Speech' is an American Hippe band that eats pork for breakfast, lunch and dinner and smokes joints till all that pork is washed down with the heady mix of alcohol, nicotine and cannabis fumes. Therefore I decided to wait till I got back to pen down my views regarding the Arab country.

Some of my most profound observations are as follows ( not in order of profoundness ):

1) Every Arab is not a Jihadi baying for American and Israeli blood.

That was quite surprising to me, what with me being a CNN buff and all that. I expected to step into Kuwait and see burning flags with the star of David on it or atleast a flag with fifty of them, even ones that don't belong to David, but they don't do that there. They are content burning camels for feasts of which there are numerous on one pretext or another.

2) Arabs are amongst the most cheerful people in the world.

Trust me, don't let their long beards and imposing physiques scare you away. If you actually stand rooted to your spot in fright when an Arab walks upto you, frightened perhaps that he's got dynamites under his white dhisdasha that have your name written on them, you'd actually be shaken out of your reverie by a warm and friendly 'Salaam Alekum'. Interestingly, every Arab will greet you, even if you be a complete stranger to him, irrespective of how foul a mood he may be in. Of course I recommend that you respond with the customary 'Alekum Salaam', what with him being in a bad mood, with all those dynamites taped to his body thanks to the fact that the detonator let him down (damn those cheap Korean manufacturers!).

3) Two requisites of a perfect life: Lebanese Chicks and Lebanese Chicken.

Ofcourse, by Lebanese Chicken I mean all Lebanese cuisine in general, their chicken shawarmas in particular. By Lebanese Chicks, I mean all of beautiful Lebanese women in Kuwait. Their sharp features are legendary in the Arab world. Ofcourse, I advice you against oggling them in Kuwait, for the other Arabs don't take that too lightly. Jealous bastards!

4) You can smell an Arab's perfume before he comes into view.

Shakespeare had no clue of what he was talking about when he wrote in Macbeth about Lady Macbeth wandering sleeplessly moaning ''Will all the perfumes of Arabia wash the blood off these cursed hands of mine?" or words to that effect. Jesus, if all the perfumes of Arabia were emptied on her hands, everyone standing near her would asphyxiate on the cloying scent and anyone left standing after the initial onslaught would get drowned in the deluge of the multicoloured solution for that is about how much perfume the Arabs consume in a day. Once I'd accompanied my father and his boss on a visit to an Arab's house. My father's boss, himself a Kuwaiti rode us there. Once we got there, he took out a bottle of what I am sure was one of the Hugo labels and emptied half its contents on himself. Just as I was about to start choking in the vapours that filled the interior of the car, and which I contest could fill quite a bit of the car's exterior, he turned to my father and emptied one fourth of it on him. Here I reiterate that this was not one fourth of what was left, it was a bloody one fourth of the damn bottle. As I found out to my chagrin when I came to myself a while later, he was saving the other quarter for me! Basically, any Arab city is like a vast zone of interacting scent fields, each Arab being at the origin of one of his own. A newcomer would find walking on a crowded street, an arduous affair as he comes under the influence of these interacting fields.

The use of a gender biased 'he' in the subtitle is not an intended slight at the fairer sex. Women in Arabia seldom come into view, what with them being veiled save for say, Lebanese women, who are predominantly unveiled. Then again, who has time for any other sensory activity except seeing, (read staring lecherously/oggling/gaping open mouthed) when a Lebanese woman comes into view.

5) In Kuwait you buy computers like you buy burgers.

I was in this store that sold Computer Peripherals buying a Graphics Card. I was breaking my head on whether the graphics port on my ASUS mother-board was AGP slot or PCI - Express slot. I was cursing the North Indian salesman in my mind for being as ignorant as I was about it. I was tempted to ask him how he ran the store despite being so clueless. Ofcourse the Arab who walked in answered my question. The following was the conversation that ensued between the dumb-witted salesman and the Arab (with English translations in Italics with those of you not as proficient in Arabic as I am):

DWS: Salaam Alekum! (Salaam Alekum!)

Arab: Wa Alekum Salaam. Combooter fi? (Wa Alekum Salaam. Do you have computer?)

DWS: Naam. Fi. Moujood. (Yes. We do. )

Arab: Waahid Combooter. (One computer.)

DWS starts rummaging through his wares. Procures a desktop PC and starts connecting it to the monitor on the table.

Arab: La, La. Haadha Kabeer. Sageer Combooter Fi? (No, no. This is large. Do you have small computer?)

DWS rummages through his wares again and comes up with a laptop. Arab looks at it and approves.

Arab: Naam. Hadha Zein. (Yes. This is Good.)

Then the Arab enquires its price and pays up in Dinari notes out of his wallet. He pays a sum close to 80,000 INR as if it were 80 ruppees. He then reaches for the laptop. The salesman then politely informs him that the laptop comes with certain accessories like the Charger-Adapter-plug ensemble. The Kuwaiti asks what the latter is for. The salesman tells him that the 'small computer' would stop working once its battery was discharged. I was amused by the way he explained the profound concept to the Arab who initially scratched his head in non-comprehension. The salesman then took out his mobile and connected the its charger to it, demonstrating the use. Allah blesses the Arab with comprehension. He nods, he understands. He takes the Charger and puts it in the large polythene bag he extracted from behind the counter along with the laptop. The salesman timidly suggests that he put them in the carrycase that comes free with the laptop. The Kuwaiti obliges. He leaves.

I was inspired.

Me (to DWS): "Give me a graphics card."

DWS: "Saar, aapko 128 ka chahiye ya 256?"

Me: "It doesn't matter. Gimme one of them. And I'd like a USB drive to go with it."

DWS: "Kitne GB ?"

Me: A small one.

While in Kuwait, buy as the Kuwaitis do.

6) Miscellaneous facts: It happens only in Kuwait.

No electricity bill for residences. Electricity is free.
Water is free (despite being desalinated.)
Petrol costs an equivalent of 8 Rupees. Yes, I am burning with jealousy too. Thats what they mean by 'Inflammable' out there.
No income tax.
Yeah, really! No income tax.
I'm serious.
Local telephone is free.
Crude is king. Crude oil that is.

Of SmallTalk and Girls

2007-06-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

No, that manner of spelling SmallTalk out was rather intentional. I was musing with my friend in an online chat that there is much more significance to why SmallTalk, the Pure Object Oriented Language programming language is so aptly called SmallTalk. And this has nothing to do with what Alan Kay, the founder of SmallTalk has to say about why it was named so. (Oh, by the way...that's amusing too, look at this.)

If you've ever tried to make SmallTalk with a pretty girl, you'd know that you'd better not bring up topics like whether Communism was really as unsuccesful as the Yankees tout it to be, considering that honest Communism was never implemented in any country. With a girl however, as my friend put it, "link communism to something else... and introduce them to the yankees who are like red indians.. and ask their opinion
and then they start talking." In other words, in a guy-guyconversation, even if it be only chitchat, more abstract and profound themes feature.

When two guys talk, even if it be small talk, and assuming that these two guys think straight (pun intended), then you'd find that the subject of the conversation is atleast, remarkable. For eg. in a man to man talk, we may muse over the fact that the only 'Mensa' who comes to our mind at once is Asia Carrera.
I can talk to a guy about getting laid. With a woman, I say, ''making love" or "marriage". What I am trying to say is that while making small talk with women we try to encapsulate abstract ideas into more tangible forms for ease of understanding.

Interestingly thats what Object Orientation is all about, isn't it? And isn't it apt that a pure object oriented language (yes, more object oriented than c++ , java and the like), is named after this propensity in conversation between the sexes.

Note also, that neither me nor the friend that I was having a conversation with, making small talk, is a student of computer science. Yeah! We call this small talk. Needless to say, my friend was a guy & both of us are straight.

Think I am a male chauvanistic pig?...well, show me a girl whom I can talk to like that and I'll marry her.

Rahul Gandhi's Tryst with Destiny

2007-06-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is not a I-hate-Rahul Gandhi blog. And dont report me to the police for having made inciteful remarks and jail me. This is a disclaimer issued in view of the fact that our Indian police has struck a deal with Google to recruit prospective workers to quarry stone in the stone mines near Tihar once they manage to say something in Google or Orkut that the police like to call inciteful.

Now to the heart of the matter. Its old news now that Rahul Gandhi made some remarks about the long running tradition in his family of being able to pull off sinister plots such as the Division of Pakistan and celebrated achievements such as 'throwing the British out'.

That set me wondering...there are other traditions that Rahul Bhaiya might not want to be a part of. Well, for eg. there was a lot of talk recently about him becoming Prime Minister. Well, if the luck runs in his family as he claims it does, he ought to remember the following:

1. His father was assasinated in a bomb blast.

2. His grandmother was gunned down by her own bodyguards.

And though not so poignant:

3. His uncle died an untimely death in a plane crash under suspicious circumstances.

And though not related to him at all:

4. The greatest Gandhi of them all was also assasinated.

Hey...I ain't saying nothing. Just that Rahul should be careful of whose shoes he tries to fill. As his great grandfather put it, he might not find his 'tryst with destiny' something to look forward to.

And for the last time...this is not some threat from a terrorist, or BJP henchman.

Ad-Sense? Really?

2007-06-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

First you need to read something that you may have read a dozen times already:

"AdSense for content automatically crawls the content of your pages and delivers ads (you can choose both text or image ads) that are relevant to your audience and your site content—ads so well-matched, in fact, that your readers will actually find them useful."

- Google's Ad-Sense Homepage

Now click on the imge below to see it in detail in a new window: (This is what I found on a website that seems to be handiwork of Evangelist propaganda against Islam...ISLAMIST FUNDAMENTALISTS PLEASE NOTE: The writer of this blog who visits the Middle East occasionally does not endorse any of the views on the site whose snapshot is given below. In fact the writer completely agrees with you in the fact that all Right Wing Religious Propagandists are dorks!)

Wait you haven't seen it all yet. This is what Google asked me to identify when I forgot the password to my account, (you see its a long story involving something along the lines of having to give my password to my brother so that he could print out my e-ticket when I was stuck in Immigration at the airport with a printout of the return journey itenary; oh, and it also involved something about fat security uard censuring me for ogling the hot attendant at the desk) which I had changed recently. So this is what Google threw up when I took the 'Forgot Your Password' link, you know, the little pic they ask you to look at to confirm that you are not a program

What's that first character?

And, did you know that the Google Toolbar blocks the Pop-Up Window that (Google's) Blogger spits out when you click the 'Add Picture' Icon the first time you click it?

Making sense of it all - Yours truly!

Dravid threatens another Strike by Indian Cricket Team

2007-05-27T02:55:00.000-07:00

In an exclusive interview to this er...umm...blogournalist, the Indian Cricket Team Captain revealed plans to continue the strike in protest of too much cricket being imposed on his team."Why won't they learn?" moaned an exasperated Dravid,"We thought that walking out of the World Cup would be lesson enough for our board. We took the decision by consensus...it found special acceptance among the seniors like Ganguly but they just don't get it, do they?"When this blogournalist asked the Captain if the Indian's team's exit was an orchestrated event, the Captain said, "Duhh!"
Dravid revealed that he had decided to wait for the message to sink into the minds of the administration that he refers to simply as, "those nitwits", only to find the administration appointing Ravi Shaastri to take charge of affairs.
"The nerve they have...they appoint a damn brahmin! That gaffer's first move was to cut out all the meat from the meals. See, I am a brahmin too...but I do enjoy the occasional steak or two."
Dravid has been increasingly forthcoming in recent times about the injustice meted out to the players by the BCCI. He now makes no bones about his dissatisfaction with the state of affairs, especially the meat issue. Things really took an ugly turn when Dravid asked Ravi Shaastri to stick all that boiled cabbage up his ar*e. The latter responded to this insubordination by breaking the nose of the former during the 5 day training camp at Kolkata. It was however covered up, when the Indian Team spokesperson telling the media that Dravid's injury was a result of a bouncer from R.P.Singh.
"Pah! That pipsqueak...breaking my nose with a bouncer! The thing that hurt me more than the drumstick he hit me with was that the people believed the BCCI minion (spokesperson). I would have thought that they would send my fans into splits."
Reliable sources told this blogournalist that Ravi Shaastri managed to get hold of the drumstick which was at hand in the kitchen that hosted the spat between the two. Much more reliable sources confirmed that the drumstick was not a chicken drumstick that Dravid was trying to sneak out of the kitchen; in fact Dravid was about to pilfer some jam out before he ran into the team manager.
"Kissan Jam","he reiterates, the brand ambassador of his father's company with the same name.
When asked about what his feelings were about the impact of the Indian Cricketer's decision to skive off the world cup on the morale of the nation, he had the following to say:
"What do they think we are? Performing monkeys? We need our rest too."
As for how his statements will affect the image of Indian cricketers:
"Damn the image. Who whipped up this image in the first place? The avaricious BCCI, I tell you. I mean, who the f*** coined the expression Team India...what's wrong with the good 'ol Indian Cricket Team? Don't even get me started on this Men in Blue bullshit! It makes us sound like a travelling circus!"

I wanna be in the Censor Board

2007-03-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

I happened to attend, actually participate in another debate this time in connection with the cultural festival of our college. This one was about censorship of our media and about how it ought to be made more stringent. In the process of the so called research leading up to the debate I discovered quite a few interesting facts about the censor board.

Before I get down to that I want to pen down my views about the how weird an idea censorship actually is. Well, maybe not weird but definitely unconstitutional. When you think about it you'd realise that censorship actually translates to a small group of 'intellectuals' or 'luminaries' coming together to decide what the rest of the two billion people in our country ought to read or watch. Some of the films that may be considered inflammatory or inciteful are banned by these people. Now, I dont think it is too much of an extrapolation to say that that means that we recognize officially that these people's discretionary powers are superior to those of the 2 billion other people living in the country, so much so that we recognise that while these censorboard people get to read all the books and watch all the sleaze in the movies that are inciteful without it causing in them an urge to disturb communal harmony and the like, we aren't confident of the powers of discretion of the 2 billion who are not in the censorboard. In the words of the Censor Board chief, Sharmila Tagore, ``How mature is the Indian audience? We cannot ignore the differences in preferences from region to region."(reference: http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/fr/2004/11/19/stories/2004111901890100.htm)

Mmmm...that amounts to calling me a nitwit. Well Mr. Inquisitor, my dignity is hurt; you have gone so far as to question the veracity of my intelligence. You know, the last time I checked the preamble of the constitution guaranteed 'FRATERNITY assuring the the dignity of the individual'.
More important still it assures that all Indian citizens are equal. I therefore aver that censorship is unconstitutional.

Anyway...I really don't care so much about my dignity being trampled upon (my feminine aquaintances have more than desensitized me to that), as I am bothered about the fact that I don't get to watch the best parts of the films, sometimes even whole films. So when I think about the only people who do get to watch everything, the people in the censorboard.

So that got me thinking, ambitious as I am about the possible ways of getting to the elite company. I googled around a bit and came to the following conclusions of the people who are,likely candidates for a post in the censor board. You can aspire to be part of the censor board if:

1)Your spouse belongs to the veneered lineage of the Khans or Kapoors. It doesn't matter if you think that Satyajit Ray's films are Sci-fi movies that are filled with state of the special effects. Extra consideration if you were the bombshell who hosted a Pop-show on Doordharshan that catered to an audience who's mainstay were Bihari farmers.

2)If your husband is an actor turned politician and you happened to lend your thumb print to the official papers of a production company that produced just one of his films and later leased its office space to a Baskin & Robins parlour.

3)If you were a start-up producer, and note the stress on 'were', of films that flopped a week before they opened and ended up losing all the money you got from your wife's dowry. These clauses are added so that the Censor Board is sure that you have no hope of producing so much as an ad's jingle and thus are satisfied of your neutrality.

4)If your husband happens to be the owner of a company that churns out 99000 crores a year (no, I got that number right). Extra credit if you happened to decide not to take that facial from Milan and decided to set up a school with the money instead.

5)If you happen to have played the role of a mace swinging ape in a television series based on ancient Indian epic in as many as five episodes.

6)If you are the wife of one of the leading cricketers who desperately needs to censor items in News Television that talk about how the number of matches he has played over the year is fast catching up with the number of runs he has scored in them.

On putting all the facts in perspective I have finally come to the conclusion that the surest way to the Censor Board is by establishing connubial relations with a Kapoor or a Khan. Based on that I have shortlisted Kareena Kapoor and Sohali Ali Khan as likely candidates for the purpose.

If inducted I promise to bring about significant changes that will go a long way in improving the quality of movie going experience for the Censor Board by introducing State sponsored unbuttered pop corn for all the members.

P.S: Would you know of any more Khans or kapoors that I can employ for my purposes?

The Joys of Nationalised Banking

2007-03-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

Do the machines men make eventually start resembling the people who set them up? Well, if that was true, then it explains the way the ATM of SBI (Sloth Bank of India) works...or rather, doesn't.

Let me start from the top. So here I am up an about at 7.00 in the morning to do the most important thing of the day – pay my mess bill. Well so what if it is the last day...I am up at 7.00, does that not show heaven how dedicated I am to seeing this process through.

So I walk to the ATM, a tune on my lips at 8.00 am (my class is canceled). The world seems beautiful for once...I am actually going to beat the deadline. I wont have to pay the fine that I took for granted until now. An extra 200 bucks...mm....the things i could do with it. No one at the Teller...nice...I walk right in, to be greeted by a blast of warm air.

Now this is one of the annoying propensities that Keralites seem to flaunt proudly. They turn on the A/c to full blast during the winters to the point where your saliva freezes in your mouth. During summers, they turn the A/c on full blast again, only this time it is the heater. Its as if they want to tell us Tamilians who routinely brave temperatures of 40 degrees upwards, “Sooe...you Paandis dhink you are tough aah? Well, we will show you!” So here I am in this furnace sweating profusely, as I insert my card into the Teller.

This Teller is temporarily out of service. Please visit one of our other ATMs across India.

I consider that an ominous beginning. Of all the ATMs in India, this one chooses to malfunction. Yet I am not one to lose heart. I walk to the ATM across India that is nearest to it. The term 'across India' evokes a wry smile in my face as I lug all of myself half a Kilometer to get to the one adjacent to the the bank.

Now all of you, at some point in your life or another must have had occasion to believe that the machine you are interacting with seems to have a mind of its own. Well, I tell you people, I could have sworn that I heard the ATM muttering to itself as I entered, calling me - and I am not sure here, but it sounded like - a fat roll of punch tape. After the rumbling, it reluctantly greets me with the customary welcome message and asks me what brings me to the ATM at this wee hour in the morning (in Kerala business hours start at 11, no sooner.) I curtly state that my purpose is related to the services that the ATM has to offer; to be precise, the option number 3. Another rumble.

Which bill?

Institute Fees, I reply.

Mmm...which institute?

Well, the National Institute of Technology, what do you expect? You are situated in one, do you know?

Much appreciated if you won't taunt me sir, I am trying to do you a service here. I apologise and wait.

I already start regretting that last statement on my part. Now the ATM is angry and I am going to pay...I mean, suffer. Then the ATM asks another question...

Enter your Roll No. I do as told.

Then pops another question...You are Balajee.R.C ME04B092 eh?

Well...yes.

Another question. Then another. Then another.

As I am drowning in my own sweat I realise that Derek O Brian's spirit seems to have possessed this machine. I half expect it to ask me something on the lines of -

Ok, Mr. Balajee. The next question for you is as follows. Which city was Rudyard Kipling referring to when he spoke about a city coloured delightfully with a rich pink tint of Strawberry Ice Cream?

Well I don't know, ATM. I pass.

Mr.Balajee, do you see anyone else around you in here. There is no one to pass to...Its alright take a guess.

Mmm...fine. Option 3. Kathmandu?

I snap out of my exhaustion and sweat induced reverie as the ATM finally asks me to enter the amount. You don't know how elated I am at this point. “Enter the amount” is just one step away from “Your transaction is being processed”. There is hope yet I tell myself as I enter the numbers. Rs. 1400.

This is when that sadistic machine bares its teeth at me and clears the screen...Enter the amount, it tells me again.

Fine...Rs. 1400.

Screen clears. Enter the amount.

I stop to think. This has happened to me before. I have chanced upon the odd Traffic cop or two who would keep returning the money you press into his hands discreetly until you give an amount that is large enough. Perhaps the ATM was trying to cut a margin for itself here.

Fine. Have it your way. Rs. 1500.

Screen Clears. Enter the amount.

What the hell? Fine Rs.1600. There are you satisfied?

Screen Clears. Enter the amount.

I realise how saturated with greed this machine's circuits have got. After a silent prayer that the machine may soon find its way to electronic hell, the place where no electronic chip wants to go,

I walk out of the ATM.

Its strange how I was cock -a hoop last year when I heard that we could pay the mess bill through an ATM. Until then, I had to go through the nightmarish aspect of a visit to the Bank itself, filled with humans who incidentally also called themselves “Tellers” but I always mused that the appropriate term must be “yellers”.

For yell is all that they did. Now don't get me wrong. You wouldn't find half naked unshaven men who swing from branch to branch on an indoor tree yelling at the top of their voice. Instead you'd find these men dressed smartly in a plain shirt and tie complete with a wig that always looks like its just about to fall off, sitting at their desks and playing solitaire on their computers. They had to confine themselves to solitaire as the bank wouldn't let them install any of the other coller games. I used to wonder if that was what frustrated them so much.

I discovered that you ought not to take any of the signs that you see there quite literally. Looking at a board that said, “May I help you?” I walked up to the man sitting behind this sign and said:

“Excuse me, sir.”

He looks up at me and regards me cooly and goes back to his game.

“Sir?”

“CANT YOU SEE IT'S TEA BREAK? COME BACK LATER!”

“And when would that be, sir?”

“WHEN WE ARE NOT BREAKING FOR TEA!”

“And that would be...”

“WHEN I HAVE FINISHED MY TEA!”

So I step away and wait for him to finish his Tea. But he is so absorbed in his game that his tea is soon forgotten and is cold. But the man said wait, and wait I do. After several desperate attempts at winning which includes punching the monitor, praying and swearing loudly at the same time and pleading with the computer, which is strange considering the fact that he is playing 'Solitaire', a single player where the computer doesn't have reason or oppurtunity to beat him, he gives up and drains the Tea in one frustrated swig.

I approach him.

"Err...Sir?"

"What?"

"Are you done with you're tea?"

"How's that your business?"

"Oh not at all! Just being polite."

"Well, your politeness isn't helping with my work. What do you want?"

"Well, I would be delighted if you could help me with this bill..."

"Is it your hostel fees?"

"Why, yes!"

"Can't pay. Sheela has gone on vacation."

"Er...well, yes, perhaps...but I only want to pay the bill."

"Ramesh is out on leave."

"Uh.."

"So no one here. Come again tomorrow."

"Is there anything I can do to pay my bill today?"

"Do you know what a double draft is?"

"Two single drafts put together? I am quite fluent with Banking terminology sir."

"Banking? I'm talking about Double Drafting in Solitaire, you nitwit."

"I'm sorry sir. I don't."

"Then run along. Nothing possible today."

It was instances like these that made me look forward to the day when I would never have to deal with yellers at the bank. Yet it looks like I will have to, once again.

Say, does anyone know what 'double drafting' is?

A Wannabe Atheist's Temporary Piety

2007-03-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. Though I tell people that I am an atheist and convince them that I was not a Brahmin to begin with even though I look like one and am named like one, I should say that I have not been completely honest with the world. As my little brother once pointed out and as I have to grudgingly accept, I am a "wannabe atheist". Why? Let me elucidate.

You see, and as avid readers of this blog would readily appreciate, I am one of those men born once in a while or so who is bestowed with a superior imagination to make the most implausible things materialize out of nowhere, inside my mind. Come now, I am even 'imagining up' the avid readers of this blog of which there are none in reality. So as I said I am this rather imaginative person.

However, this superior imagination can be a bit of a bane at times. For example, I am afraid of the dark...well not the dark per se, as my little brother brother has the effrontery to point out, but of the possibility that there may be a Boogie man who has reincarnated after an enchanted slumber of 20,000 years and has come to get me for I am the last in the line of the Ogs, the Neanderthals who then inhabited my place, for as you may know from history, Gork Org was the brave Neandy who thrashed Boogie man till he fell into a deep slumber. For more on the history of the Og blood line, visit the authoritative history resource:

http:\\www.historie-adabsurdum.blogspot.com

Well going back to my condition, I have this problem where I let my imagination oveerwhelm my rationale. This is especially true after I have seen a thriller, more like a horror film complete with green goo spewing monsters, and gay priests pleading with them. So this kinda scares me for you see, now in my imagination this Boogie man of mine is equipped with a goo spitting mechanism too in addition to the glowing eyes which he picked up from the Zee Horror Show years back. The now improved version of the Boogie man terrifies me even more.

Thus it is during these periods of time that I would like to turn religious. I would like the temporary sevices of a God, a Divine Protector if you will, who is fully equipped abilities like shooting Sun beams that emanate from his palm at Boogie men and well trained in materialising out of nowhere. Ability to carry an aura about him that lights up the room and field experience with other types of monsters like ghouls, spectres, vampires, vamps and cockroaches will be given extra consideration.

Time of service may range from three nights to seven depending on how terrified the author is after the film. Oh! I nearly forgot, the Divine Protector must also be willing to an odd menial errand or two like turning the light back on in the bathroom when the author's wicked brother well aware of the author's condition, exploits it for his amusement or setting a spider or two (hee hee) on the aforementioned wicked brother.

Please note that after the required period of service the author will go back to denying the existence of this so-called God, until his services are required again for the next horror movie.Well, you see the author does enjoy a horror movie while at it; though he hates the after effects, just like what that extra shot of tequila does to you in the morning.

If any of you know any religious institution willing to take up such services please let me know. People I am quite desperate. Lotsa good thrillers to watch but I just can't muster the courage. I could actually settle for a girlfriend though, one who would hold my hands as I am watching the film and who'd lie beside me for a couple of nights after that to reassure me.

Well then...either a girlfriend or a God happy to undertake the aforementioned services may write to the author at his email address or leave a comment on the page. Candidates for the position of the Divine Protector will be given extra credit if they apply directly in the form of a burning bush as Gods are wont to do.

Breathtaking special effects will be given due consideration.

The Airtel Lady

2007-03-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you may have an Airtel cellular connection. Well, if you do have one you'd know what I am talking about when I mention the lady who starts talking when you're balance falls under Rs.50. You know, the one who says things like "Call access failiure due to error in internal swiching PABX," which is Airtel's way of politely informing us that they would really appreciate it if we could dole out another fifty bucks so that they have enough cash to buy the Wal*Mart delegates dinner after they finish discussing their joint venture plans.

Now initially it was really irritating to have to bear her recite all the things AirTel coerced her to tell me. I hated it especially when she said, "Call party subscription terminated. Failiure in internal routing algorithm. User end conference call blocked. Switching to internal kernel for balance confirmation." You see, she talks in this really steady pace, making it a long wait on my end that used to really get my goat.

However, I have an admission to make. I have started to like her! I seem to be getting turned on by the husky seductive voice. I now cant seem to get enough of the "Party subscription lost." Gulp! I think I am in love.

Well this obviously complicates things to quite an extent what with me falling in love with a lady who has to work 24 X 7 persuading all those callers to give AirTel some more money. I bet there are quite a few desperate guys out there who must also be coaxing the poor girl to talk something else to them however she is a steadfast woman ain't she. She don't talk cos the rules tell her to. Yet if she can resist my honeyed words that make women melt like icicle on a hot plate, she must be made of strong stuff indeed. And I like strong women.

Sometimes after much coaxing and cajoling for which I have to keep calling Vinay and cutting the phone as soon as she stops talking. Sometimes the guy picks the phone up too fast-"Kitne baar kehna hai, Bho****? Mujhe aise satao math!"
Yet I bear it all in the name of divine love, the woman of my dreams whom I have never laid eyes upon. Sometimes I feel I can discern something that she is trying to tell me.

"Call forwarding improper. Please try again after a while." I can see that she wants to say that she wants to talk but she can't. Oh! How it hurts to be so intimate and yet not be able to speak your love. She wants me to keep trying...until one day when the AirTel people are not listening. Oh! How I yearn for the day when my Aleina, (thats what I call her now) will pour my love out to me in that thick voice of hers that reminds you of the beauty of fall.

I do try my best to obtain a meeting through rather covert means and she knows it. I call customer service and she says "For service in English press 1, for service in Malayalam press 2." Then when I choose the necessary option, she pleads, the desperation and yearning in her voice all too evident, "Press 9 for Customer Care Personnel." I can hear her, urging me to go on and ask the lady who'd pick up the phone.

"Err...hello?"
"Yayys? AirTel. Gan Yelp?"
"You want my help? I called you to ask for yours!"
"No saare! Me yelp? Me do you?"
"I beg your pardon madam! But if I heard right, I must tell you that, that is a lude thing to say to your customers! Irrespective of the late hour."
"Vaaat? I nod yundersdanding!"
"Well then would you be so kind as to pass the phone to someone who can?"
"Vaat saare? Why angry? Wonly Me and Sheelakutty here. She don't undersdand Engleesh like me."
"Worse than you? (gulp) No its quite alright. Please dont give the phone to her."
"Azz you zay saare? Soerry uh...you gaull at 3 in morning nobody here, what to do saare?"
"Well could you be so kind as to tell me the name and contact number of the lady who spoke before you?"
"Einh? Lady yo? Before me?"
"Yes, the lady who speaks rather good English."
"Edi Sheelay! Nhee aardathenge samsarichoe? Ivede oru saipu nhinde number choikenu ondu?"
"Maam! No, I am not asking for Sheelakutty's number. I am asking for the number of the lady who speaks before you evey time I call."
"Shyeda idhu shalyam ayalo!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"What you want number to do her?"
"Well maam, I am hoping that I am able to 'do her' eventually if you insist on referring to it that way, but...can you please just give me her contact number?"
"Saare, blease gaull in moerning. I don't yunderstand vaat you waant."

And thus my sad life revolves around this vicious cycle of calling up Customer Care and asking for Aleina's number, only to talk to the Mallu lady who won't patch me through.
Yet tireless is true love. One of these days I am going right to the top. I am going to Sunil Bharti Mittal's office to demand that he gives me Aleina's number. Until then we will remain two lovers who on either ends of an Airtel connection speaking with bated breath about Failed Routing protocols and Switching algorithms whilst yearning for the day when we shall be united once and for all.

Politicians Say the Darndest Things

2007-03-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

My newspaper subscription is one of my most wasteful expenses. The only reason I have one is on account of the sort of peer pressure that drives you to do other similar oddities such as sign up for classes that coach you to crack MBA entrances, where they tell us that it is imperative that we take a newspaper subscription. It supposedly will help us in the Group discussions where I assume they make 7 of us sit together and come up with a method to make a huge Newspaper Origami Paper Boat. They also assure us that it helps increase General awareness. Folks I assure you that I have scoured newspapers cover to cover without finding a shred of information on any luminaries in the army, even the not so decorated ones who were discharged dishonourably after they were caught stealing jam from the Army stores. The only bits of 'news' I can use are the remarks that politicians make while put in front of the press.

For example, the day the railway budget was announced Nithish Kumar, another luminary from Bihar like our Railway Minister, who once occupied this portfolio himself said:

"Its just a manipulation of numbers."

Well...I agree, but what a cute observation. I mean it is true ain't it? After all, the budget is a manipulation of numbers. Had he said something more specific or had he passed the statement on to one of the diplomats who may have worked for him, it may have come off looking boring like the sort of language the diplomats use, even when there is a major crisis at hand:

Under-Secratary: Yes...it has been brought to our attention that the eggs that they served us for lunch had gone bad. Our ministry is in full consultation with the Ministry of Health and the National Egg Coordination Comittee both of which are looking into the matter.

Press: Mr. UnderSecratary, is there any discomfort you are experiencing as a result of the possible food poisoning?

Under-Secratary: I am not sure as of the moment. I can't tell you anything conclusive till
I meet my doctor.
Press: Sir, could you tell us if the egg went bad before or after you ingested them?

Under-Secratary: As I said before, we are not sure as of now. I reserve making any comments before the experts conclusively decide what the implications are.

Press: (commotion) Mr. Secratary...Mr.Secratary

Under-Secratary: ( getting up) Thats all for now. Thank you.

Yet politicians...well they don't bother with the 'correctness' of the statement. They say cute things, "Its just a manipulation of numbers," rather than something boring like, "The policy of rationalization of capital structure of Indian Railways has not been addressed in light of the growing inflation rates threatening to push up the prices of thosse engaged in the services."

Having said that, don't you for a minute conclude that Lalooji can't counter with a cuter statement. In fact, it was cuteness galore from his part when he went to Harvard. The students found that he had many suggestions to offer regarding the hairstyle of the delegates there and how the girls there would look positively pretty if they donned a bindi. The delegates found that he had surprisingly little to say about the details of the famed economic turn around of the Indian railways. He left those boring parts to the Under-Secrataries.

On asked about the secret of his rise to fame and power, Laloo makes a statement that would go down as one of the cutest historical statements made in the annals and historics of political cuteness:

"Drink milk. Drink lots of milk."

Yeah sure, lots of milk, worth a whole Rs. 4250,00,000 (no, I got the zeroes right). Thats how much milk he drank from the Jharkand dairies when Jharkand was still under the jurisdiction of his State.

I suppose most of you might have guffawed uncontrollably over some of Bill Cosby's comments on 'Kids say the Darndest things' show. Now I was wondering...how bout I do a show along the similar lines...I mean think about it, Bill Cosby and I have a lot in common. For one both of us are coloured, him brown and me well pale auburn or something...both of us are funny guys (c'mon, admit it). Why, even our names start with the same letter and wait...they rhyme too!
So picture me in this magnifient Saville Row suit, with a tie to match talking to the likes of Lalooji, Nithish Kumar and another luminary from Bihar, Ram Vilas Paswan, who like all Biharis, as a child dreamed of becoming the Railway Minister of the country and realised his dream. That settles it; I am definitely doing a show like him. I think I might actually call it 'Politicians say the Darndest Things.'

Introduction to Advanced Screwism

2007-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

I know what you must be thinking...screwism ain't right. It ought to be screwology. Well, I might agree if I weren't in Mallu land where they make an ology out of everything. One day I happened to meet this bloke who insisted that Communology was a cornerstone of Kerala's post independence heritage. "You mean Communism right, Mr. Pannicker Menon Nair?" "Blease, you come from Thamizh Nhaaddeu and you dhink you know all yeybout Kerala coefee and gulture. What you know yeybout Kyemmunology?"

I am a part Mallu, three in four parts actually, but at heart I am Tamilian at heart and thus refuse to emulate those Tapioca slurping Communists. Thus I have decided to call my theory screwism. Besides, I think it sounds more English that way. I believe I am part English at heart too.

So Advanced Theory of Screwism is a flegling but rapidly growing theory that is best studied after a course on Basic Screwism which is in comparision a very well established and exhaustively documented subject that owes its development to the various Engineering Colleges in India with compulsory attendance, tomes of lab records, continuous evaluation and other such splendid practices.

I present here my contribution to the subject which I consider a breakthrough of sorts. The theory is as follows:

As per the fundamental rules of Screwism, if young people are left with any more time than they have to prepare for the myriad of tests that they need to bear with, they will go around making babies and vandalizing the community's liquor shops.

Therefore a new and innnovative examinations to nearly double the time required for examination preparation is suggested here.

The fundamental premise of the suggestion is that though the College may set N chapters as the portion for a particular exam, students can afford to study only a few of the N chapters to pass, or better still, skim through all the chapters in the portion to salvage as many marks as possible from each question. As a result of such clever tactical study, the sstudents manage to pass quite comfortably with the result that the sale of condoms from some University departmental stores has increased by 200% with the remaining ones having been vandalized by the students.

Therefore it is suggested that the Lecturer set a question paper in a format where all the questions are based on a single chapter from the given 20 odd chapters, thus forcing the students to make an in depth study of all the chapters. For you see, undr the improved system the student cant afford to skip a chapter though the chances of that chapter being the one tested would be rather low, the student won't dare take the risk. The method will leave the student no choice but to make a comprehensive study of all the chapters.

The projected reduction in condom sales is 400% in the first month and 345.56% in the next.

Of Darwin and Chairs

2007-03-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

I happened to be in charge of conducting this debate for my club the L&D, which we refer to famously as L&D and not the Literary and Debating Club, the motion for which was something about Intelligent Design being introduced in schools as an alternative to the Darwinian Theory of Evolution.

Yup, I now what you're thinking. To begin with even I was wondering why my club was intent on debating how Gulliver in his famous travels was held involuted by the dwarves in the Lilliput. Yet on persistent persuasion from my Secratary to actually look the topic up I actually did go through quite a bit of the muck that you would otherwise have to be put in a dingy room with a tweed jacket flayed at the elbows, equipped with large horn rimmed spectacles, tempted by visions of what is refered to in scholarly circles as a 'chair' in a prestigious academic institution, to read. Lots of the guys who wrote the stuff that I read that day were yearning for precisely that when they filled up those pages. From the looks of it the chairs in some academic institutions were better than those in some others. So if you published a paper that some of your fellow tweed jacket scholars liked they actually let you take home some of their chairs. I reckon that the chairs must be real plush and all for the guy to take the sort of trouble that he did to write that stuff.
So I guess a scholar in Yale might be telling his counterpart in Oxford, over a phone conversation:

Yale Scholar: Gee, I got this real pain in my arse, you see, the cushion on my chair is losing all its cushioniness. I really need a new chair dude. Think you can help me out?"
Oxford Scholar: Well, ol Bean, I am quite swamped now. Looks like those bastards at the French Academy got hold of some bone that used to grow in the T-Rex's rectum. Seems like they are going to propose that therefore the T-Rex was perpetually suffering from constipation. But yes, throw in a paper or two and I'll try twisting some arms here to get you a new chair, for the old times' sake.
Yale Scholar: Thanks a ton bud. So, what kinda paper would they like?
Oxford Scholar: Well, have you got anything on Brontiosaurus?
Yale Scholar: No, how bout Raptors?
Oxford Scholar: Naa...too cliche. How bout Gargantosaurustrompiolis Rex?
Yale Scholar: Mmm...well I did a project on those at school once, when I was in third grade I think.
Oxford Scholar: Ok, throw that in and fill the rest of the pages with lot a Latin...you know the usual works and we'll see what we can do for ya. So what kinda chair are ya expectin?
Yale Scholar: Well, straight backed with a lot a plush cushions.
Oxford Scholar: Well I think we can manage that. Ok...gotta go.
Yale Scholar: Hey, say hi to Linda for me ok.
Oxford Scholar: Sure.

Thus I plodded on wearily through oodles of information about how English paleontologists found their Gaelic counterparts positively disgusting because the "French bastards" invariably contaminated every site of excavation with a used condom that they had occassion to utilise during the excavation.On counter-checking with some French sources I discovered that the Englishmen were saying that only because they were jealous that they could never manage to chat up any of the interns. I consider myself some sort of an expert on the subject now (evolution...not the Anglo-Gaelic rivalry), and I have a few observations of my own that I would like to ink before it disappears in the myriad of other thoughts that occupy this robust mind of mine.

My first and most profound observation is that if Darwin were right, everyone we see around must either be beautiful or strong or both. Why? Well, the first thing that man learnt to do, even probably before talking is to fight. I believe that wars have claimed more lives than any other singular cause be it a plague or natural disaster. Now think about the people who are best suited to surviving a war. To help the thought process lets visualize a scene from history. Let's say...back to the post exodus period where Ramses II is sitting devastated after Moses, whom he banished for humping his wife when he was inspecting his father's tomb, only to find the prick return calling himself the 'deliverer', and stir up a revolt of all the Hebrews.
So picture the devastated Ramses who has just lost all his slaves and his son (whom he threw to the crocodiles when he found out that Moses was the father):

(High priest walks in)
High Priest: Your highness, the crocodiles haven't been fed ever since the Hebrews left. They are getting restless.
Ramses: (snapping out of his reverie) What?
High Priest: The Crocodiles sire?
Ramses: He took them too?
High Priest: No sire. They are here and are hungry.
Ramses: Well feed them some Heb...oh..
High Priest:(blinks expectantly)
Ramses: Well, dont just stand there and blink. What do you have in mind?
High Priest: Maybe you could feed them some prisoners of war?
Ramses: Capital idea. Is there any prisoner named Moses?
High Priest: I'm afraid we are fresh out of those sire. Perhaps you would like someone whose name starts with M?
Ramses: Yes, fine. M it is. Mo is better.
High Priest: I took the liberty of bringing some over so that you could choose Sire.
(authoritatively to the attendants) Send in the prisoners.
(Three prisoners walk in; one a beautiful buxom woman, a handsome young man and a scholar of Geometry in tweed jackets and horn rimmed spectacles. Now I know that its unfair to expect a scholar in ancient Egypt to be in a tweed jacket, what with the mathematicians of those times being paid so little that the last thing on his wish list would be a tweed jacket, but let it be...it helps the imagination along.)
High Priest: This is Lhea...err...Mheaow.
Ramses: Have her sent to my bed chamber.
High Priest: But Sire...the crocodiles.
Ramses: They would have to settle for the other two. Whats the name of that young lad?
High Priest: Mmm...Ivenhoteph, sire. Definitely not someone you would want...his name is all wrong. Those fools sent in the wrong man.
Ramses: Thats not a problem. His name has an 'O'. Throw him to the Crocodiles!
High Priest: Actually I was hoping that I could use him in my bed chamber.
(Again, I know it is unrealistic to imagine all priests to be gay like the Catholic ones we now of...but again, it helps the imagination along.)
Ramses: What is the third guy's name?
High Priest: Mosssessontoph sir.
Ramses: What is he?
High Priest: He is a mathematician sir. Completely dispensable.
Ramses: What does that mean?
Mosssesssontoph: I can calculate the length of the hypotenuse of a triangle.
Ramses: Teach the crocodiles that. Take him away.

Thus you find that all through history it is the beautiful and strong who survive, and the academicians are just slaughtered. Even Pol Pot in Cambodia, who was a Physics teacher himself slaughtered all the scholars and intellectuals in his country as soon as he came to power.

If most of us, and here I emphasise the word 'most', actually go and look in the mirror we would likely find a counter-example to the aforementioned corollary to Darwin's theory staring you in the face. So Darwin was wrong after all. It is indeed us nerds who survive.

Yet do you know what makes me happy...and this is my second most profound observation...the fact that the corollary isnt true means that it is bespectacled nerds like the author who get all the girls eventually. Thats why there are so many of us and so few of the pretty people whom again we will eventually hump. That makes me happy and hopeful.