I think India has the largest number of beautiful women who cannot act, if their lives depend on it (their career's don't, not in India, not in Bollywood). We also have the worst porn, most of it from the murky underground. This seeming artificial disconnect is because of the 'distortion' as the Friedmanites say, caused by Government interference in the entertainment industry.
What we need is a drastic revitalisation of both these things. The one stop solution is to legalize porn... in other words, free the market. That way, we won't be going to movies sans storylines just to get that teaser of a hormone rush that a steamy duet in the rain offers. What's better, the gorgeous ones who cannot act will go do porn, for that will be their only recourse. In one sweep, we'll have better storylines in our movies, as well as better porn.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
My Vodafone - Friend, Philosopher, Guide
Its amazing how you find people who turn out to be that father figure and guiding light in your life. For most of us you need to go out there and find one for yourself. For some of us, a fatherfigure is always at hand offering succinctly worded wisps of wisdom now and then. For Vodafone users ofcourse, advice is only a message away; a portable, on-demand, 3 bucks per message, Friend, Philosopher, Guide, Astrologer... and quite a bit more that you'd never realise if you were one of those who delete these messages as soon as you see the sender's name.
Sometimes, there are sources of joy in our lives which remain hidden to us. You need a wise person to point it out to you. For eg. wouldn't you be positively thrilled if you knew that your zodiac foretells of an imminent meeting with a vivacious young maiden within the next month. Wait, it gets better. Clearly you must be wondering what to do in the meantime. Well, VT-VODAFONE has answers to that too. It acts a carry-in-your pocket pimp always eager to let you get in touch with 'girls in your neighbourhood.' Well, either that or its probably try to do what those online marriage brokering sites do.
So, now that you are hooked up (one way or another) with a 'pretty maiden' (well, not so sure about the 'maiden' part, strictly speaking), Vodafone even tells you how to pick the best of the many maidens who'll come your way. Afterall, you definitely need to brace yourself for many more than one, what with the several times it is predicted by your zodiac (I get
three everyday, boy, next month's gonna be busy).
For eg. based on the numerological significance of the arrangement of letters in my name, V-VT tells me that I am most likely to be happy if I marry someone 'vivacious and full of zest', one who can 'share my joy for living it up'. See, why I trust V-VT so much is because of the fact that it(?) is able to see my real personality, of how, even though I appear content doing a mind numbing 8-6, on the inside, I really want to 'live it up' (though I haven't really thought about how; must make a note to ask V-VT).
Its V-VT that helped me discover my real character. For instance, I never knew I had an 'innate ability to connect with people'. Forget the fact that on any given day my interaction with anybody would be confined to no more than 15 syllables or so; what matters is the potential: that I can connect if I try. Another thing I didn't know about my own character was that I was a very caring person.
Apparently, because of this inherent character, I love animals and children. Now, I don't have any kids (to the best of my knowledge) and the only significant thought I have given any animals were when they came served on a plate. However, its good to rediscover oneself. Coming to think of it, maybe I do like children (and V-VT is already trying to help me make
some) and as far as my love for animals go, I am now considering quitting my job and setting up a poultry. That way, I get to give animals my attention well before they end up on my plate.
V-VT always puts a smile on my face at the end of a long day with one of 'em, "Your motha's sooo fat that ..." jokes. It helps me plan for the weekend movie by delivering the best snaps of the women starring in it. It helps me find out cool facts about the world that I never knew, like the fact that reindeer is a delicacy in Sweden (Does Santa know?). And I never start a day without one of those thought provoking messages that VT sends me, "If you think you can't, you can't."
What would I do without my Vodafone-VT? Have you noticed how persistent VT is? Do you realise how desperately VT wants to help? If you don't have someone you can look upto and turn to for help when you so need it, look no further. Just stop deleting those messages that VT sends you. Let them in and watch your life transform.
Sometimes, there are sources of joy in our lives which remain hidden to us. You need a wise person to point it out to you. For eg. wouldn't you be positively thrilled if you knew that your zodiac foretells of an imminent meeting with a vivacious young maiden within the next month. Wait, it gets better. Clearly you must be wondering what to do in the meantime. Well, VT-VODAFONE has answers to that too. It acts a carry-in-your pocket pimp always eager to let you get in touch with 'girls in your neighbourhood.' Well, either that or its probably try to do what those online marriage brokering sites do.
So, now that you are hooked up (one way or another) with a 'pretty maiden' (well, not so sure about the 'maiden' part, strictly speaking), Vodafone even tells you how to pick the best of the many maidens who'll come your way. Afterall, you definitely need to brace yourself for many more than one, what with the several times it is predicted by your zodiac (I get
three everyday, boy, next month's gonna be busy).
For eg. based on the numerological significance of the arrangement of letters in my name, V-VT tells me that I am most likely to be happy if I marry someone 'vivacious and full of zest', one who can 'share my joy for living it up'. See, why I trust V-VT so much is because of the fact that it(?) is able to see my real personality, of how, even though I appear content doing a mind numbing 8-6, on the inside, I really want to 'live it up' (though I haven't really thought about how; must make a note to ask V-VT).
Its V-VT that helped me discover my real character. For instance, I never knew I had an 'innate ability to connect with people'. Forget the fact that on any given day my interaction with anybody would be confined to no more than 15 syllables or so; what matters is the potential: that I can connect if I try. Another thing I didn't know about my own character was that I was a very caring person.
Apparently, because of this inherent character, I love animals and children. Now, I don't have any kids (to the best of my knowledge) and the only significant thought I have given any animals were when they came served on a plate. However, its good to rediscover oneself. Coming to think of it, maybe I do like children (and V-VT is already trying to help me make
some) and as far as my love for animals go, I am now considering quitting my job and setting up a poultry. That way, I get to give animals my attention well before they end up on my plate.
V-VT always puts a smile on my face at the end of a long day with one of 'em, "Your motha's sooo fat that ..." jokes. It helps me plan for the weekend movie by delivering the best snaps of the women starring in it. It helps me find out cool facts about the world that I never knew, like the fact that reindeer is a delicacy in Sweden (Does Santa know?). And I never start a day without one of those thought provoking messages that VT sends me, "If you think you can't, you can't."
What would I do without my Vodafone-VT? Have you noticed how persistent VT is? Do you realise how desperately VT wants to help? If you don't have someone you can look upto and turn to for help when you so need it, look no further. Just stop deleting those messages that VT sends you. Let them in and watch your life transform.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
All in a Year's Work
One knows he/she is doing a challenging engineering job when any of the
following exchanges or the like occur at your workplace:
2)
Sir: So these thickness calculations have been done using a spreadsheet. We need to manually validate it.
One: So, we take random values from the 367 calculations and check it?
Sir: Random? No. We sequentially iterate through all the 367 entries.
One: !
3)
One: Sir, these material test certificates don't seem to be in English.
Sir: Yeah? Lemme see...hm...oh wait. Its here. See, right here, after the Spanish entry...nope, sorry, thats not English, 'materialo'...must be Italian. Now, whats Garantito Della resilienza...
One: (To Oneself) Sounds like a disease.
Sir: Alright.Use the other certificates that have English entries to cross reference as to what language the fields are in and then use Google Translate to find out what they mean. Wait...how do we enter Chinese characters?..hm...
4)
Sir 1: Apparently Joe didn't use the 2004 edition of the BPV code in the design. He used the 2002 edition...you know, the one that doesnt take into account the HIC requirement.
Sir 2: Oh my! Did they commision the thing with that?
Sir 1: Yup, you can imagine what happened...
Sir 2: Kaboom, huh?
Sir 1: Damn right! Big, bada boom. 6 people died.
Sir 2: What about Joe? He's in the Hong Kong office right?
Sir 1: Not any more. Apprently he is being extradited to Saudi Arabia for a public beheading.
5)
Sir 1: YOU DID WHAT??!!!
One: Sir, I just rounded the value off to the first decimal. I thought the material grade might still be right.
Sir 1: YOU ROUNDED IT OFF? WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO ROUND OFF ANYTHING?
One: Well, sir..I had to 367 manual calculations and using 4 significant places of decimal is kinda cumbersome...so...
Sir 1: WHAT THE HELL DOES "KINDA CUMBERSOME" HAVE TO DO WITH ROUNDING OFF?
6)
HR Manager: You must have all heard of Joe's beheading. He was a good man, a responsible and caring father and husband to his family, though apparently, not as good an engineer. Nevertheless, he will be missed. Lets observe a minute's silence in honour of his memory.
(30 seconds later)
HR Manager: Thank you all. The Manager of Engineering Operations will now address you.
The Manager of Engineering Operations: Er..I have come to understand that apart from poor dead Joe, we may have a few more...how shall I put it... Here's the thing...most of those engineers involved in the design of the unit that exploded might have to visit Saudi Arabia of their own volition or choose instead to be extradited there against their will. Ofcourse, you can instead flee to a country that does not have an extradition treaty with Saudi Arabia but that would mean you'll be a fugitive from the law of this country and worse, lose your employment at this firm.
If you instead choose to stay in this firm and face trial in Saudi Arabia, and if found guilty of manslaughter by negligence, you may, at worst be sentenced to something along the lines of mutilation of your limbs or at worst a few lashings. In any case, the company's lawyers assure us that there will most
probably be no more beheadings and this gives us great confidence, as it should to you, what with our lawyers being the most competent Corporate lawyers in the business albeit quite capable of dealing with criminal issues of this nature. Should you be interested in engaging them to represent you the law firm will be glad to offer all of you a group discount for their services, in light of the long association with our company.
So, the good news is that almost certainly none of you will die. Some may be mutilated and some grievously injured, but at the end of it all, you'll all be, quite alive. And here's the best part...you may even get to keep this job. Lets not get our hopes up. Management is still working hard on this decision but we are sure it will decide in your favour. Can't be too sure about the Saudi courts though, so all the best!
7)
One: Sir, do you believe in God?
Sir: Nope. I believe in the Force.
One: The force?
Sir: Yup, the cosmic force that keeps the boilers I design intact despite the multitude of roundoff errors that you put into 'em.
One: Hm...Joe must have fallen out of favour with the Force, huh?
Sir: Nonsense. The dark side got to his boiler.
8)
Manager 1: Project Control tells us that ever since the Saudi Boiler trouble, productivity has doubled.
Manager 2: How's that?
Manager 1: Apparently, all the slacking supervisors now want to be the ones originating the designs. Before the incident they used to idle away, signing only the check print, leaving all the drudgery of the first draft to the hapless trainees.
Manager 2: Really?
Manager 1: Apparently, the engineers who originate the document only get 50 lashings if the stuff they design blows up according to Saudi law. Its the engineers who attest it as having been checked who have their limbs handed to them.
following exchanges or the like occur at your workplace:
1)
One: Er..sir. I think these prints are all wrong. The plans of the old plant are all fuzzy and unreadable.
Sir: Yes, I know. You did requisition a magnifying lens with your stationary right? No? Ok, use mine for the time being.One: Er..sir. I think these prints are all wrong. The plans of the old plant are all fuzzy and unreadable.
2)
Sir: So these thickness calculations have been done using a spreadsheet. We need to manually validate it.
One: So, we take random values from the 367 calculations and check it?
Sir: Random? No. We sequentially iterate through all the 367 entries.
One: !
3)
One: Sir, these material test certificates don't seem to be in English.
Sir: Yeah? Lemme see...hm...oh wait. Its here. See, right here, after the Spanish entry...nope, sorry, thats not English, 'materialo'...must be Italian. Now, whats Garantito Della resilienza...
One: (To Oneself) Sounds like a disease.
Sir: Alright.Use the other certificates that have English entries to cross reference as to what language the fields are in and then use Google Translate to find out what they mean. Wait...how do we enter Chinese characters?..hm...
4)
Sir 1: Apparently Joe didn't use the 2004 edition of the BPV code in the design. He used the 2002 edition...you know, the one that doesnt take into account the HIC requirement.
Sir 2: Oh my! Did they commision the thing with that?
Sir 1: Yup, you can imagine what happened...
Sir 2: Kaboom, huh?
Sir 1: Damn right! Big, bada boom. 6 people died.
Sir 2: What about Joe? He's in the Hong Kong office right?
Sir 1: Not any more. Apprently he is being extradited to Saudi Arabia for a public beheading.
5)
Sir 1: YOU DID WHAT??!!!
One: Sir, I just rounded the value off to the first decimal. I thought the material grade might still be right.
Sir 1: YOU ROUNDED IT OFF? WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO ROUND OFF ANYTHING?
One: Well, sir..I had to 367 manual calculations and using 4 significant places of decimal is kinda cumbersome...so...
Sir 1: WHAT THE HELL DOES "KINDA CUMBERSOME" HAVE TO DO WITH ROUNDING OFF?
6)
HR Manager: You must have all heard of Joe's beheading. He was a good man, a responsible and caring father and husband to his family, though apparently, not as good an engineer. Nevertheless, he will be missed. Lets observe a minute's silence in honour of his memory.
(30 seconds later)
HR Manager: Thank you all. The Manager of Engineering Operations will now address you.
The Manager of Engineering Operations: Er..I have come to understand that apart from poor dead Joe, we may have a few more...how shall I put it... Here's the thing...most of those engineers involved in the design of the unit that exploded might have to visit Saudi Arabia of their own volition or choose instead to be extradited there against their will. Ofcourse, you can instead flee to a country that does not have an extradition treaty with Saudi Arabia but that would mean you'll be a fugitive from the law of this country and worse, lose your employment at this firm.
If you instead choose to stay in this firm and face trial in Saudi Arabia, and if found guilty of manslaughter by negligence, you may, at worst be sentenced to something along the lines of mutilation of your limbs or at worst a few lashings. In any case, the company's lawyers assure us that there will most
probably be no more beheadings and this gives us great confidence, as it should to you, what with our lawyers being the most competent Corporate lawyers in the business albeit quite capable of dealing with criminal issues of this nature. Should you be interested in engaging them to represent you the law firm will be glad to offer all of you a group discount for their services, in light of the long association with our company.
So, the good news is that almost certainly none of you will die. Some may be mutilated and some grievously injured, but at the end of it all, you'll all be, quite alive. And here's the best part...you may even get to keep this job. Lets not get our hopes up. Management is still working hard on this decision but we are sure it will decide in your favour. Can't be too sure about the Saudi courts though, so all the best!
7)
One: Sir, do you believe in God?
Sir: Nope. I believe in the Force.
One: The force?
Sir: Yup, the cosmic force that keeps the boilers I design intact despite the multitude of roundoff errors that you put into 'em.
One: Hm...Joe must have fallen out of favour with the Force, huh?
Sir: Nonsense. The dark side got to his boiler.
8)
Manager 1: Project Control tells us that ever since the Saudi Boiler trouble, productivity has doubled.
Manager 2: How's that?
Manager 1: Apparently, all the slacking supervisors now want to be the ones originating the designs. Before the incident they used to idle away, signing only the check print, leaving all the drudgery of the first draft to the hapless trainees.
Manager 2: Really?
Manager 1: Apparently, the engineers who originate the document only get 50 lashings if the stuff they design blows up according to Saudi law. Its the engineers who attest it as having been checked who have their limbs handed to them.
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