Pimsleur Arabic

I've been trying to learn Arabic off the 'Pimsleur Arabic' audio lessons. I highly recommend it, atleast for a few good laughs.

What struck me as funny as soon as I started the lesson was the first sentence that Pimsleur's wanted to drive into its audience clearly...how to say, "I am not an American" as articulately as possible.

"Ana muu Ameriki. Ana Englizi"

The Pimsleur people must have been thinking, look, if someone's gonna pick this course up, its probably gonna be the Yanks now drilling out as much oil as possible before Muqtada gets to the oil wells. And if an American picks up a book wanting to learn Arabic, with the intention of using it anywhere in Arab land, the most important sentence he'll probably have to use is, "Ana muu Ameriki." The latter part, "Ana Englizi" ("I am English") was probably added as an afterthought, to allay any lingering suspicions that an Arab may have after being told the former (come on, Arabs are smart. A damned blue eyed blonde guy walking around in Baghdad certainly couldn't have come from Morocco now, could he?).

I am into lesson four right now and I don't seem to be making much headway besides learning how to vehemently deny having anything to do with America or American foreign policy, in Arabic. I seem to be hearing "Ana muu Ameriki" in my sleep now.

Whats also tickles me is the way they teach you to ask questions in Arabic. The instructions go something like this:

Narrator: This is how you say, "You are a Syrian" to a woman.
Male Arabic speaker: Ente Suriye.
Narrator: Now say, "You are a Syrian," to a woman.
Male Arabic speaker: Ente Suriye.
(Repeats 15 times)

Narrator: This is how you ask a woman, "Are you Syrian?"
Male Arabic Speaker: Ente Suriye?
Narrator: Note that unlike in English, you don't say, "are you" to ask
the question. You merely change the tone of voice to indicate that
you're asking a question.
Male Arabic Speaker: Ente Suriye?
(Repeats till I fall asleep)

Ofcourse, I understand the informed decision to teach prospective American students how to ask the other person if he was a Syrian before embarking on a conversation (what with the strained relations between the Syrians and the Americans). However, there must be some better way of asking a person a question rather than using histrionics, right?

Spare a thought for the CIA guys who may wanna use this course in Guatanamo bay.

CIA interrogator 1: Ente Terroristi.
Arab Terror Suspect: (blank stare)
CIA Interrogator 2: Come on Jack, get the tone right. You don't wanna sound as if you're askin him something. You need to sound more forceful! A more accusative tone!
CIA interrogator 1: Ente Terroristi!
Arab Terror Suspect:(in Arabic) Can I please have some water?
CIA Interrogator 2: Attaboy Jack! He confessed. Let's waterboard him now to see what else he has to say.

A Vulnerability Study

No one makes light of these things but I couldn’t resist. India is probably the most vulnerable nation once an explosive goes off. Note the stress on the necessity of the precondition that an explosive needs to have gone off before the following predictions come into play.

This is primarily because of the fact that the Indian psyche doesn’t reflexively suggest evasive action as soon as the sound of gunshots or explosives going off is heard, in stark contrast to the Western psyche that prompts the subject to duck at the mere suggestion of an explosion.

This propensity that Indians share can attributed to the difference in the thoughts that loud bangs trigger in Indians as compared to their Western counterparts:

  Indians                                The West

 (Loud series of bangs)                       (Bang)
    |                                                          |
    Diwali? No...                                OMG! Its a Bomb!
          |                                                                 |
          Did we win a Cricket match?          Take cover!
                      |                                                         |
                Some damned political rally?         We are all going to die!
                            |                                                         |
                      We won a cricket match!?            What if it was tipped with a biological warhead?!!
                                  |                                                           |
                              (if in Chennai) Death procession?   Will I inhale less toxins if inside my car?
                                        |                                                           |
                               Where are all these people running?    Wait! Call 911!
                                              |                                                            |
                                  Is that guy carrying a gun?                 Why is my car's tire flat?
                                                    |                                                            |
                                        OMG! A terrorist! Run!                      Damn! Its just the tire!

This is why I like New Year's day. Its probably the one day where the West is as vulnerible after an explosion or after the gunfire starts as we in India are. Everybody thinks its the fireworks. In fact, we are a little safer in India. I mean, how many New Year firecracker extravaganza's do we see in India anyway? The difference in reception to fireworks in the Indian psyche as opposed to the Western may be summed up as:

 India                                        The West

 (Fireworks go off!)                                (Fireworks go off!)
    |                                                                      |
   Jesus! Who's payin for all this?                       Awesome!